Category: Local
Alcoholic townie frequently attends commencement ceremonies to beat shit out of honors graduates to make self feel better
Suicidal Florida man lies on tracks awaiting slow-moving Disney train, gets bored, changes mind
Bernie Sanders: “Win or lose, I’m going into the chicken business!” Discusses KFC lineage, plans to open “Chicago Fried Chicken”
Campaign photographer fired for taking overly “artistic, subjective,” lewd photos
Local maniac doesn’t wait turn at 4-way stop. Manhunt ensues
Overly-sentimental college graduate surprisingly refusing to leave town he once loathed
Trump watches X-Files, claims: “I will build a wall around Earth”
Local school administrator twiddles thumbs. Receives substantial raise.
