May 24, 2016May 24, 2016 thirstythespian

Overly literal Carrie Underwood fan narrowly escapes car wreck after letting “Jesus take the wheel”

May 23, 2016 thirstythespian

Alcoholic townie frequently attends commencement ceremonies to beat shit out of honors graduates to make self feel better

May 20, 2016May 20, 2016 thirstythespian

Suicidal Florida man lies on tracks awaiting slow-moving Disney train, gets bored, changes mind

May 13, 2016May 13, 2016 thirstythespian

Bernie Sanders: “Win or lose, I’m going into the chicken business!” Discusses KFC lineage, plans to open “Chicago Fried Chicken”

May 11, 2016May 11, 2016 thirstythespian

Campaign photographer fired for taking overly “artistic, subjective,” lewd photos

May 9, 2016May 9, 2016 thirstythespian

Local maniac doesn’t wait turn at 4-way stop. Manhunt ensues

May 6, 2016May 6, 2016 thirstythespian

Overly-sentimental college graduate surprisingly refusing to leave town he once loathed

May 5, 2016May 5, 2016 thirstythespian

Trump watches X-Files, claims: “I will build a wall around Earth”

May 5, 2016May 5, 2016 thirstythespian

Local school administrator twiddles thumbs. Receives substantial raise.

May 4, 2016May 4, 2016 thirstythespian

PhD candidate leaves dissertation defense with black eye, bruises