Written by Anonymous.

A local public school administrator has been rewarded by a substantial raise yesterday for beating himself in thumb wars for the thousandth time.

Dean Johnson,  principal of a local Midwestern middle school, revealed in excruciating detail the psychological energy and work ethic involved in completing his year-long dream:

“Yeah, you know, I try to schedule meetings around my thumb-wrestling time cause it’s really important for my hand-eye coordination for my golf swing… of course, some of our teachers make my work very difficult.”

Apparently, the teachers, many of whom go hours without a bathroom break or proper prep period, are frequently unwilling to manage their schedules appropriately to accommodate their “commander-in-chief’s” passion.  One English teacher, who requested to remain unnamed, commented: “I had to give up my lunch today to cover a class for a colleague.  I barely have time to catch a breath, how can I attend a meeting on top of it all?”

Though many teachers have requested meetings to occur after school is let out, which would be in the best interest of students and teachers alike, the time supposedly conflicts with Principal Johnson’s golf practice.  “Traditionally, I leave my office with the kids when the bell rings at 3:00,” Johnson stated, as he locked his office door at 2:55 pm.  “I’m willing to give myself a little leeway for all my hard work recently.”

This “hard work” seemed to pay off nicely, as in addition to Johnson’s shortened work days, he received a $5,000 raise, bringing his annual salary to a sweet $95,000.  In light of recent budget cuts, which have resulted in multiple teacher lay-offs, the raise was alarming, but nevertheless, Johnson stated, “a necessary reward for my efforts.”

Fellow administrators have not commented on the raise nor any budgetary-related news.