Local high school history teacher, Jamie Underwood, was traumatized this past Friday when a local maniac refused to wait his turn at the 4-way stop at the intersection of Elm and Cherry and streets. A red Pontiac Firebird, operated by an unknown assailant, was seen performing a rolling stop by fellow motorists, then sharply accelerating into the intersection, clearly cutting off the motorist who had the right of way as if to inspire fear by some unprovoked act of malice.
“It was horrible,” Underwood told police officers on the scene. “I was there a whole 30 seconds before the other car, but the driver cut me off. I nearly spilled my hot coffee all over my lap in shock. I mean, who does that? It wasn’t his turn!” The high school teacher was apparently uncontrollably shaking, overcome by his own violent weeping in response to the sheer repugnance of the perp’s crime.
Underwood was offered a blanket and rocked to sleep by a trained psychologist. The head investigator on the case, Ben Winchester, a known hothead, commented on the gravity of the offender’s indiscretion: “We of the lovely town of Green Acres will not tolerate this kind of behavior. Mark my words, we will catch this creep and we will make him pay!”
Winchester, who spurred a very expensive manhunt which lasted 48 hours and employed a full-fledged SWAT team, successfully took into custody who Winchester insists is “our guy.”
A local man, recently fired professor of philosophy known only as “Crazy Dave,” was taken into custody as prime suspect after he was seen screaming something about “escape ideology!” outside a local bar, an offense a former student of his was arrested for two weeks ago. Winchester spoke on his suspicion of Dave’s guilt: “This creep is guilty, believe you me! He’ll escape ideology, all right, from prison!”
Dave was escorted to the Thompson Correctional Center (seen below), a maximum security prison in Thompson, Illinois. Dr. Rita Wong, M.D., a trained psychiatrist, on an initial psychiatric evaluation, commented on Dave’s “sociapathic tendencies,” admitting he should be “detained in a psychiatric facility immediately.”