Written by Matthew Trump, Staff Writer.
Chicago–“The idea came to me while I was simultaneously a political science student at the University of Chicago and interested in finding more about my heritage,” said an enthusiastic Bernie Sanders, arms waving buoyantly, to a room of supporters, all equally transfixed. The historic politician held them in rapt fascination on this most momentous occasion of his latest political announcement: should he win or lose the democratic party nomination for president (and later the office of the presidency itself)–clarifying he is indiscriminate with this regard–he plans to take “an unprecedented step for chicken!”
According to Sanders, his ancestors are directly responsible for the well-known fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken: “They stole our recipe! And our surname!” Sanders went on to reveal that his uncle, Cornelius Sanders, revolutionized the modern marvel that is fried chicken during the ’50s when he had initial plans to open a fried chicken joint in Greenwich Village named New York Fried Chicken.
Cornelius Sanders’s plans were foiled, however, when a passer-by on the street–a man from Louisiana visiting New York City for a seminar on “how to start a business”–overheard Sanders discussing his plans with a real estate broker. That man was Harland David Anderson, a plantation owner from Louisiana and the original founder of KFC. One week after hearing Sanders’s plans, according to the current democratic candidate, Anderson changed his last name to Sanders and began going by Colonel. “He broke into my uncle’s apartment and stole our recipe,” Bernie Sanders insisted. “He must’ve followed him home and broke in!”
Regardless of the accuracy of Sanders’s claims, he remains defiant and determined to start his own chain similar to KFC. While a student at the University of Chicago, a prestigious research institution on Chicago’s south side, Sanders became interested in starting his own chain while taking an intro to business class which culminated in an applied project in which students were to create their own businesses. Sanders reportedly made initial plans for Chicago Fried Chicken (or CFC), which would open its first location further down on Ellis Avenue (the street on which the University is located). “We would cater to the University,” Sanders excitedly recalled.
“Bernie’s chicken was delicious,” said Professor George Haverford, Bernie’s former business professor, who is now 96 years old and quick-witted as ever, with perfect memory. “It was so crisp and yet so juicy. I’m going to live forever! His chicken has immortalized this old soul.”
At the time, Sanders did not, however, follow through with his plans to open his Chicago-based fried chicken restaurant, instead moving back to New York where he began a chain of odd jobs before getting into politics. “I always regretted not going with it,” Sanders discussed about his chicken-making aspirations. “Professor Haverford said it was a million dollar idea!” Now a democratic candidate in the race for his party’s nomination against Hillary Clinton, who apparently has no taste for Bernie’s chicken, the politician has recently purchased a location near the University of Chicago, like he had planned so many years ago. The location has already begun serving the neighborhood area and has received raving reviews on Yelp.
“If I’m president,” Sanders told the room full of supporters. “Free chicken for all!” He has already started drafting legislation that would allow for food coupons to his Chicago location as part of his expansion of Obamacare. “Free chicken is good for the soul. Every man, woman, and child is entitled to free chicken as part of their basic inalienably rights as American citizens!”
Conservatives on the board of KFC, however, haven’t taken kindly to Sanders’s plans, and are insisting that Sanders “is just using this most recent historical forgery as a ploy to access the black vote!” Sanders faces a lawsuit on the behalf of KFC, who apparently “don’t take kindly to this socialist’s stealing of our good name or his radical ideals. Chicken is not for loafers. Chicken must be earned, respected, cherished.” They also didn’t take kindly to Bernie’s suggestion of replacing the sacramental host in America’s churches with “Bernie’s holy chicken,” calling it “a desperate, hopeless ploy to access evangelical vote, to shift their support from Donald Trump, who is a holy man. Donald Trump’s favorite book is the Bible. What is Bernie Sanders’s favorite book? Probably the Communist Manifesto. Commie!”
Republican candidate Donald Trump, on the other hand, insists that Bernie “stole this idea from me. He’s jealous of my terrific chicken. Come on, I know chicken. Everyone knows it. I have the best chicken!”
But Sanders remains steadfast to his “Chicken for All” legislation and insists that he “doesn’t have a lying bone in my body,” adding that he has “solid proof” that will corroborate his story: “I have the birth certificate to prove it! And my uncle’s diary, all his NYFC plans!”
Matthew Trump is Donald Trump’s eldest son, and the source of much of Donald’s frustrations. Matthew didn’t choose to attend the University of Pennsylvania Warton School of Business like his old man–perhaps because he didn’t have the grades–nor did he decide to follow in his father’s footsteps as a TV celebrity with a chain of failed business ventures. But he is much more similar to the elder Trump than Donald would dare to admit. A street performer in New York City, he is the archenemy of “love!” espousing Matthew Silver, instead espousing “hate!” In his most famous YouTube video, titled “Devolve,” he favors the “White man’s burden” in his favorite poem by Rudyard Kipling, positing that we “mustn’t love each other! We must hate each other! Dance on each other’s graves!”
Also contrary to Silver’s philosophy, which includes acceptance of all, Trump urges all to act on our most carnal of impulses, often heard shouting: “Lust!”