Press Release.

Somewhere in Iowa–John Schmidt of Schmidt Photography, a local photographer hired by the Donald Trump campaign to photograph a local political event, was fired after his film was developed, revealing that none of the photographs he took had any campaign-related cohesion.

Schmidt, in fact, was seen by several witnesses spending the entirety of the event “uncomfortably close” to a group of “clearly uninterested” women, whom he apparently was trying to impress with his “artsy photographical process,” which was ultimately “not very convincing.” Rather than filtering around the room to take photographs of other Trump supporters or of the politician himself, Schmidt opted to spend a great deal of time insisting, “honest, I never show my subjects my compositions,” then showing the women each of the photographs he had just shot, each one worst than the last.

Emily Whitley, a PhD student in medical sciences, said that she and her friends had considered calling security. “Listen, I’m no photographer. Besides my intro to photography class I took in undergrad, I don’t know a lot about the art. But this guy’s ‘photographs’ were pretty bad. I mean, every picture he took was annoyingly out of focus for no apparent reason or purpose. It kinda seemed like he was just trying to be artistic but was more pseudo-artistic than actually artistic.” She went on: “We kinda thought he just walked off the street, grabbed a camera, and used this event as an excuse to try to pick up women.”

The young woman confirmed that after the event concluded, and after Schmidt showed her party some 300 “amateuristic, superficially artistic” photographs, he asked each of the women for their phone numbers. Naturally, not one of them obliged.

Whitley, it’s worth noting, is not a Trump supporter but was there in protest. She also noted that several of her friends, psychology graduate students, are interested in the phenomenon that is Trump and are determined to unravel the mystery of his wide appeal for a joint-effort psychological study they soon plan on publishing.

Schmidt, defending his artistic process, insisted that “I am much more interested in the subjective than the objective. The more intimate I get with the subject, the more authentic.” When pressed, he admitted: “Honestly, I was trying to get lucky. I mean, the event–a Trump rally–had about as much substance as a trip to the petting zoo. Would proof of the rally have done anyone any good or provide much for me, an artist, to work with? No. Might as well make the best of a sh*t situation, right?”

The only photograph appearing on Schmidt’s camera reel to contain Trump was a super-zoomed in composition of Trump’s hairpiece, which Trump’s campaign manager Corey Lewandowski called “severely off-putting, though considerably revealing, eye-opening” before punching Schmidt in the face weeks later while the photographer was shooting a wedding to which Lewandowski had not been invited; Lewandowski was noticeably intoxicated. He has since earned a substantial raise from Trump for “showing great, fantastic, ‘huge’ initiative.”

It was reported weeks after the Lewandowski-Schmidt punching fiasco that the couple that hired Schmidt have demanded a refund after finding his entire photo collection from the night to contain zoomed-in compositions of bridesmaids’ cleavage while lacking any photographs of the bride and groom.