Orlando, FL–Joe Donaldo Diablo, a disgruntled Florida school teacher, made plans early this week to take his own life by Magic Kingdom train before getting bored and changing his mind. The train’s slow-pace was the main reason for which Diablo changed his mind, but the 43 year-old admitted that his death “could also be a major buzz kill” to other park-goers’ afternoon festivities. “A parade was about to start,” Diablo mentioned. “I just had to make a decision, the right decision, and I didn’t want to spoil the place I remember so fondly for someone else’s kid.” Recalling the events that transpired that day, Diablo remarked: “I really was just having a bad day. Especially with all the sh*t we have to deal with through the district, and the kids being exceptionally annoying today, I lied on the tracks and slowly awaited my sweet escape.” He went on: “But then I realized I had been waiting close to 10 minutes, a few eyes had started to stare, and it still looked like it would take a while before the train would get anywhere near me… I guess I could have gotten up and lied down closer to the approaching train.” Rethinking his decision, Diablo admitted perhaps he was being “a touch rash,” realizing that if he went through with his grave decision, he’d miss the night’s showing of The Americans. He added: “I just know I’d never be able to live with myself if I missed that.” 

-TTT