Written by Joel Eastman, Staff Writer.
Donald J. Trump, apparent Republican nominee for president, has recently announced his plans to “build a wall around Earth” since watching the X-Files for the first time late Tuesday night after winning the Indiana primary. Before delving into his reaction of the show’s highly persuasive content, Trump described his nightly ritual leading up to the viewing, which involves tucking his daughter Ivanka (who still apparently “sleeps over” her father’s house from time to time) into bed.
“I tucked her in and kissed her on the forehead and both cheeks per usual,” Trump exclaimed. “She has the most beautiful forehead and cheekbones. Perhaps I would have kissed her on the mouth if she weren’t my daughter.”
Trump then went into detail on his reaction to the show, which he proclaimed was “horribly filmed, but inspiring,” nevertheless. Offensively imitating an individual with developmental disabilities, he continued: “Looks like a retard made it: ‘Aaaaggh Aaaagh where the camera go? Aaaughh!’ My nine-year-old son could have done better. In fact, when I’m president, I’m going to fire the director and give it to Barron.”
Even with the show’s “retardations,” Trump acknowledged the importance of the series’ overall message: “I realized we got these illegal aliens coming in the country in hoards. Who knows how many little green midgets are walking among us, stealing American jobs, killing American citizens, raping our women, running the country! Look at Obama! Those ears, the way he talks, the state of our country. He’s clearly an alien!”
Trump then announced plans for alleviating this obvious threat to human security: “Mark my words, I will build a wall around Earth, and make the aliens pay for it. We’re going to round them up and order Mars to pay for them. If they don’t, we’re going to shoot the alien invaders into Space where they belong!”
Surprisingly, Trump’s recent Earth-focused rhetoric has spurned many global activists, previously strictly anti-Trump, to align themselves with his campaign. Social media has erupted with memes, tweets, and blog posts both criticizing Trump’s most recent “insanity” as well as praising his wise “worldliness.” Environmentalists have likewise used his comments as a stepping-stone toward addressing climate change, though Trump still vehemently opposes the concept which he deems a “natural phenomenon” and “pro-Chinese liberal bologna.” The Thirsty Thespian’s very own Crazy Dave, reporting at the scene of Trump’s most recent announcement, expressed his excitement in the Presidential-hopeful’s change in “ideology,” stating: “His ideology is aligned with my own ideological vision! It’s the aliens and the Chinese! I’ve been telling everyone all along! Find the aliens. Escape ideology!”
When questioned how he plans to access the trillions upon trillions of tons of equipment necessary to build such a wall, as well as the many logical and scientific fallacies ornamenting the claim, Trump replied: “You calling me a liar? I’m not a liar. You know who is a liar? Hilary Clinton! She’s ugly too. She’s got the face of a donkey. I bet she’s an alien too.” The comment came as a surprise to many, especially since Tuesday night Trump was seen speaking privately to Clinton in his private limo, offering his condolences for her dramatic defeat in Indiana.
Conspiracy Theorist and Reddit Gold contributor Lumpawarroo, most famous for their creation of the “Darth Jar Jar” fan theory that exploded the Internet last fall, has offered their interpretation of Donald Trump’s recent rhetoric:
The image Donald Trump is employing, one of the goofy, absurd, and filter-less clown, mirrors that specifically of Jar Jar Binks in The Phantom Menace. His anti-alien rhetoric, though seemingly coherent, is in fact full of logical flaws. The impossibility of the act of building such a space wall suggests that he is in fact pro-alien and is using “the wall” as a distraction for world domination. Upon further observation, it appears that the Republican nominee Donald J. Trump is in fact the hated Star Wars figure himself in human form… Donald Jar Jar Trump, Master Sith and manipulator of the universe!
Lumpawarroo’s claims, though only emerging this morning, have inspired an entourage of Jar Jar Trump memes, most notably one by ifunny.com:
Trump has not commented on the newest Jar Jar theory and has continued to proclaim his plans to build the Space Wall; however, his supporters, with their new-come paranoia, are now more observant of his antics, fearing the potential of alien activity under that golden toupee.
Joel Eastman is a wild card. Play writing, acting, and reporting all come naturally to him ever since his wife left him for “a gentler kind of man.” He likes to smoke cigars and curse under his breath at his local dive bar, where he sketches ideas for future plays and on the rare occasion a film or two. His favorite catch-phrase is “Whater you doing, punk? Go ahead, make my night,” to which people generally laugh a shake their heads muttering, “There goes Joel again.” Joel joined The Thirsty Thespian staff after reading a few previously published articles, which he deemed as “decent, but need improvement.”