Written by Patty Me Fanny, Staff Writer.
Lincoln, IL–Lincoln High School Class of 2010 graduate Chuck Feisty was tackled to the ground by authorities who anticipated his rowdiness at the graduation ceremony this afternoon. “Take this, you pocket protector wearing schmucks,” Feisty was heard loudly and clearly shouting during a moment of silence before being spotted climbing down from the bleachers and barreling toward the valedictorian. “I’m going to make you wish you never heard of the national honor society!” Head of security Teddy Gregorio stopped Feisty before he made it ten feet within the graduating class with a roundhouse kick to the face. “Not this year, Feisty!” Gregorio was heard shouting before “laying the prick out.” The crowd reportedly broke into applause as Feisty’s limp body hit the floor.
According to Lincoln High School Principal Dan Adams, Feisty has been known to cause disturbances at several of the past years’ commencement ceremonies–so much so that he has been banned from attending any following commencement ceremonies.
“Chuck was a mediocre student,” Adams recalled. “And a mediocre member of the student body–he didn’t participate in athletics, he didn’t participate in or attend the school’s art programs, and he by and large didn’t show much school spirit at all. To be honest, we thought he was more interested in doing keg stands in college than buckling down… thing is, though, that he didn’t have good enough grades to get into any colleges he could drop out of due to partying too much.” Feisty reportedly began attending the school succeeding commencement ceremonies since the year after “he narrowly finished his senior year.” The 24 year-old restaurant busboy (who has been fired from several jobs due to coming into work drunk or even drinking on the job) told reporters that he gets “a sick sort of satisfaction from beating the shit out of those nerdy honors students just after they receive their diplomas. F*ckers have it coming! What do they have to celebrate? I’m doing them a favor!”
Feisty, despite having seemingly deep-seated hatred for top-performing students (likely tied to his own prior inadequacy as a high school student), is a regular attendee at local bar Fat Al’s, where he has been known to drink with high school graduates of all academic levels, even reminiscing with previous victims of his bullying about the “good ole days.”
Patty Me Fanny has a PhD in Interpretive Basket Weaving from the New School of Basket Weaving and Humanistic Thought in New York City. She teaches Advanced Liberalistic Film Interpretation; Intro to Advanced Metacognition and Absolutist Design; Principles of Vigorous Basket Weaving Techniques II; and Continental Philosophy at John Williams Community College.