Bob Dylan sells musical catalog to record company in exchange for poultry farm, sack of potatoes: “I’m going into the chicken business!”

SANTA MONICA, CA–After releasing and predicting the very real rapture that is upon us–a highly poetic song encapsulating his sonic aesthetic that garnered him a Nobel Prize for Literature (“for predicting the rapture”) and which was later expanded into a 17-minute B-Side, released earlier this year–Bob Dylan announced yesterday that he sold his entire musical catalog, including a song made famous by someone else (and first reported in this publication as being attributed to our own Local News Editor, Crazy Dave). The reason, according to Dylan, for the sudden musical transaction–which Thirsty Thespian reporters confirmed in an email sent from Dylan’s assistant included a small poultry farm located in a farming town somewhere in southern Wisconsin, as well as a sack of nearly rotten potatoes–was proudly proclaimed by the 79-year-old singer-songwriter icon: “I’m going into the chicken business!” Apparently moved by successful chicken enterprises started by Democratic Socialist Senator Bernie Sanders, and popularized by Alexandria Ocazio-Cortez (AOC), Dylan, convinced that the culinary tradition of deep frying chicken is best heightened by garnishing one’s recipe with popular socialist texts, like Karl Marx and Fredrick Engels’s The Communist Manifesto, noted that his plan was to create his own “successful chain of chicken joints” and, like any delicious meal, his business plan would meld commerce with evocative ingredients. “A culinary fusion of deep fried chicken and grandiose ideas will leave your taste buds tingling with satisfaction, and your mind ever-expansive and booming with philosophical thoughts.” Dylan added: “I’m going to sell deep fried notions and save people from the apocalypse!”

At press time, the deep frier, which had ignited with flames, filled the small restaurant beside his poultry farm with smoke, and its proprietor Bob Dylan could be seen fleeing the scene with an acoustic guitar, and melodiously exclaiming: “The rapture is upon us!”