WASHINGTON, D.C.–In our our nation’s capital, Donald Trump, the decisive loser of the 2020 election, still in denial, Tuesday evening unrolled his comprehensive agenda for his 2nd term in office: “I’m going to make sweet love to this big, beautiful flag,” he murmured wistfully while fondling an American flag beside his desk in the Oval Office and visibly thrusting his hips. “Mr. President, we should talk transition planning,” Trump’s son-in-law and senior adviser Jared Kushner tried unsuccessfully to interject. “There is a violent global pandemic raging and we, for the sake of the American people, should help ensure Biden’s team starts off on the right foot.” Meanwhile, on and off again Press Secretary Kayleigh Mcenany, watching our current president and prolific sexual assaulter defile our nation’s flag with wanton, rapt fascination and longing, cut Kushner off: “Shut up, Jared! Let President Trump focus!” she demanded with a quivering lip.
“I won, by A LOT, but you know that, don’t you? Big red, white, and blue. So sexy!” Trump whispered at the flag, adding: “I’m going to hump you into submission until the Supreme Court, the Highest Court in the Land, upholds every one of my big, beautiful lawsuits and acknowledges me as the biggest, most handsome President of all time, who is the Greatest for American Values in History!”
At press time, Rudy Giuliani, who recently shat his pants in a court room, was again pleading the president’s case to overturn the election in favor of Donald Trump, using Trump’s active libido in comparison to a “very boring old grandpa Joe Biden” as possible evidence for why the election was so rife with fraud: “Maybe the democrats, who were caught red handed selling millions of ballots, were trying to exchange them for crates of male enhancement pills: Viagra, ExtenZE, ENZYTE. You know, the big ones.” He concluded that there is no other solution but to disenfranchise millions of Americans, subverting democracy in the process, and give the election to Trump on the grounds that:
Biden’s erectile dysfunction sends a clear message of weakness to our adversaries as well as our allies. We need a strong president who is as hard as a rock on crime as he is thick and bulging in his stance, and he should be just as manly in his manner of discourse as his legislative agenda is long and gag-inducing! We need a man whose governing stamina is as unwavering as our country’s flag is in a heavy, sticky storm–while our citizens take cover from the gooey discharge, which is okay, an American right (it’s in the Constitution), so long as they’re not so-called “dreamers!” Finally, we need a man who can make vigorous advances, can deeply deploy our troops with great brute force, take our enemies from behind, and shoot a thick load of firepower that leaves them quivering in defeat.
The room, thoroughly grossed out, stood still in disbelief as Giuliani added: “Do I have to come right out and say it? We need Trump’s giant cock!”