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WASHINGTON, D.C.–Facing imminent loss in his reelection campaign and filing a string of lawsuits in a last-ditch effort to destroy American democracy, top lawyers belonging to the Trump Campaign announced their intention to file suit for “meaningful access” to voters who identify as democrats. In an unhinged press briefing, Mr. Trump told reporters of the campaign’s sweeping legal plans, “the biggest, most beautiful lawsuit yet, to be taken very seriously and ruled upon in the Highest Court of the Land!”:

Everybody knows that incumbent presidents have historically had an advantage. It’s in the constitution, I hereby believe. We should look into that. So it’s only fair that I get meaningful access to some, or preferably all of their voters. It’s a very sad thing that Democrats are trying to take this election away from me by getting their supporters to vote for sleepy Joe. Very unpatriotic!

Meanwhile, in the Twitter-sphere, Donald Trump, Jr. praised his dad’s decision while comparing his rivals to “crooks that should be locked up in prison on the Moon” in a series of tweets the platform flagged for being completely insane.

“Frankly, we already won this election,” Trump, Sr. continued,

and with access to all the votes–big beautiful Republican votes that count much more, Independent votes, Black votes, women votes that don’t count as much as men votes, and Democrat votes that are very sad votes, barely worth anything–with access to all these votes, we will win and we will continue to Make America Great Again!

At press time, President Trump was whining to the White House Chef for serving traditional, presidential cuisine instead of ordering in from McDonald’s.

-TTT.