Written by Shelucas Margask, Staff Writer.

American singer-songwriter great Bob Dylan, in recent years fearing his own impending passing, has recently converted to extreme evangelical Christian beliefs, announcing to fans, with the release of his new song, “Rapture in the Wind,” his theory regarding the deaths of many great celebrities since the start of the new year:

Listen:

First David, now Prince. Within 4 months no less. It’s probably going to be me next. This is no coincidence. The rapture, folks, is upon us. The greats are being taken from us. The world is ending and soon ya’ll be left behind.

The second coming… of Satan… has arrived. Satan is here to take his control. And his name is Donald Trump. Let me explain: Have you seen Men in Black 2? Satan is running around in a brand new Donald Trump suit!

Dylan, who spoke about David Bowie’s death early this year and Prince’s recent passing, also noted such recent celebrity deaths as Chyna, Alan Rickman, Doris Roberts, Paul Daniels, among others.

The lyrics to Dylan’s song, “Rapture in the Wind,” can be enjoyed in their entirety below:

Listen, how many stars will meet their end this year?

Already we’ve lost Bowie and Prince.

Listen, how many souls will depart these streets

where once we all lived in peace?

Yes, and how many times must the Trump man lie,

before his sins have been rinsed?

God’s answer, my friends, is rapture in the wind

His answer is rapture in the wind.

 

Yes, how many minions can Trump lead astray

before Bernie Sanders is sacked?

Yes, how many good people will be left on this earth

before we’ve forsaken the gays?

Yes, how many times should a man have prayed

before he is sent to the skies?

God’s answer, my friends, is rapture in the wind

His answer is rapture in the wind.

The final part of the song, according to Dylan, acts as a coda because “God’s message is you must repeat good acts in order to get into heaven.”

Mitt Romney, two-time failed Republican presidential candidate, on hearing Dylan’s song, had this to say: “We of the Church of Latter-day Saints welcome Bob with open arms. We’re so glad to see his soul has finally been saved.”

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Shelucas Margask is an Amherst College and Cornell University graduate who holds a B.A. and M.F.A. in Creative Writing-Poetry and Interpretive Dance. He is clinically insane and has been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. He sometimes thinks he’s Crazy Dave but is considered by The Thirsty Thespian staff as mildly insane compared to Dave.