Bernie Sanders to finance expensive proposals with proceeds from “chicken business”

NEW YORK–Democratic primary front runner, self-proclaimed “democratic” socialist, and fried chicken enthusiast, Bernie Sanders, who briefly was caught off guard regarding the financials of his proposed programs, told Anderson Cooper in a fiery 60 Minutes interview that the proceeds from his successful chicken chain would be enough to cover his ambitious, expensive proposed programs, including but not limited to: universal healthcare; free college for all; one love (free love for all); free chicken for every man, woman, and child; among others. Since losing the nomination in 2016 to the establishment pick and fried chicken cynic Hillary Clinton, Bernie, as promised, “went into the chicken business,” explaining to Cooper: “I’m a man of my word. I said ‘win or lose, I’d go into the chicken business,’ and I did just that! I made the most successful fried chicken joint in the south side of Chicago. Everybody loves my chicken! They call me Big Bird Bernie — because I fry up the biggest birds! Great value — for every man, woman, and child!”

On the origins of Chicago Fried Chicken, Bernie explained:

“My grandson Colonel Sanders–yes, Grandson!–I taught him everything I know about frying up a chicken! I started a chicken business that I have continued since his untimely years, 30 years ago! I’m nearing 200 years old, dammit!

Cooper, who had laid out concerns early in the interview about Bernie’s sweeping plans to grow the government tenfold, which could cost upwards of 60 trillion dollars, was now stunned to silence as the rambunctious senator verbally attacked him:

The proceeds, from said chicken establishment, will, and I don’t say this lightly, pay for the budget I’m proposing–and then some! Free healthcare for all–funded by fried chicken, Goddamnit! What could be more American than that, Cooper? Tell me! You come in here with your gotcha journalism telling me I don’t know about simple economics, when you know nothing about chicken!

Bernie, who has been at the cutting edge of both the culinary expression of frying chicken and the political ideologies of giving that chicken to all, known as “democratic socialism,” has, since his rise to prominence in 2016, created a domino effect that has helped the movement become more accepted in the mainstream. Young proponents to Sander’s ideologies, such as the famed “Squad (freshman congresswomen who have become embroiled in controversy for their unbecoming “foodie” proclivities to share artistic pictures of their fried chicken on Instagram) have brought forth such shocking legislative proposals as the “Glean New Deal,” which proposes taxing trillions from the wealthy 1% in order to procure only the finest ingredients of which to fry and give to every man, woman, and child. Perhaps the most infamous among them, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AKA: AOC), who has recently endorsed Sanders in a “moment of clarity” which followed a food coma, owes much of her own success to Sanders, Sanders says:

Before she met me, she was a waitress. She came to my chicken establishment in Chicago looking for a job, gave me her resume–mostly stints at Taco joints, I hate tacos! They’re the shredded meats of the chicken world. Taste terrible, very dull, unappetizing, hardly any flavor! Told her if she was serious about a career in chicken, she’d have to come under my wing. I’d teach her the ways of the bird, how to fry some hot chicken meat to a sizzling crisp and throw it down the gullets of the American public!

At press time, Sanders, profusely sweating–his face drenched in salty liquid and dress shirt dampened at the armpits (as he had no choice but to remove his blazer)–was deep in provocative thought before turning to Cooper and asking: “Wait now, what was your question again?”