College graduates mugged, beaten, left for dead in Harry Potter-Themed Knockturn Alley of Walt Disney Wizarding World park
Local man bloodied in roughhousing incident with pool noodle, says friends went “too far”
Breaking News: Insane man known only as Crazy Dave cites James Franco as his teacher in escaping ideology
In effort of being neighborly, local band makes “special brownies” for newly settled family
George Clooney announces departure from Clinton biopic for “ideal role” as Uncle Ben
Adam Sandler cast in new “high art,” nonsensical Paul Thomas Anderson film in hopes of saving actor’s career
Hemingway fan pissed that his “one true sentence” has not been accepted for publication anywhere
Self-proclaimed philosopher ponders about why he can’t pay bills: “But what is a bill?” Forfeits residence
