Adam Sandler cast in new “high art,” nonsensical Paul Thomas Anderson film in hopes of saving actor’s career

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Hated actor Adam Sandler cast in new Paul Thomas Anderson film. Will not appear on screen or have any speaking lines but is credited with top billing, as Anderson believes the once-comedy-defining actor warrants “divine intervention, salvation.”

Written by Rob Silver, Staff Writer.

Paul Thomas Anderson, famous director of such critically acclaimed and publicly puzzled over films as Boogie Nights (1997), Magnolia (1999), There Will Be Blood (2007), and The Master (2012), cast the then-definitive comedian Adam Sandler in his 2002 romantic dramedy film Punch Drunk Love as a lonely man susceptible to erratic violent outbursts, familial disdain, and resorting to calling a phone sex line to “just talk” to someone.

Paul Thomas Anderson discussed his casting Sandler in Punch Drunk Love in a rare interview: “He’s a compelling comedian; he used to be a talented one, and I figure that’s no coincidence. Perhaps career missteps lead him to the pictures he’s done, but he has tremendous potential.”

The pretentious filmmaker announced yesterday that he plans to reunite his film relationship with Sandler, as he worries “Adam might need professional help as his career circles the proverbial banal toilet. I don’t know, maybe I’m throwing him a bone with this one, but I still believe he’s a compelling man who might deserve rehabilitation, divine intervention, salvation, a directorial savior who is I.”

Paul Thomas Anderson refers to Sandler’s “bumbling, mess of a career that seems no longer to be in decline but to have flatlined”as a result of Sandler having starred in and directed “some 50 consecutive ‘repugnant, tasteless films.'” The actor has recently even been consulted for his expertise with failed movies by Ben Affleck, who has suffered after adding self-congratulatory contributions to an incoherent Batman v Superman film. The great director Paul Thomas Anderson, however, seems to be like the committed, hysterical, and incredulous doctor who is insisting on giving Sandler’s career repeated attempts at resuscitation despite Sandler himself seeming to have signed his own career’s DNR form.

The director has announced an experimental film on par with Alejandro González Iñárritu newest “masterpiece,” The Invisible Man, which despite receiving terrible reviews by members of Hollywood for its confusing lack of a cast, is revered–and in fact the source of intense jealousy–by Paul Thomas Anderson, who admires Iñárritu’s “seemingly arbitrary stylistic choices.”

The film, The Visible/Invisible Comedian or (The Unexpected Iniquity of Ignorance Concerning the Actor’s Career),  will borrow heavily from a number of Iñárritu’s directorial sensibilities in recent films. Similar to The Invisible Man, Adam Sandler’s performance will be practically nonexistent. He will be on camera “0% of the time,” which Paul Thomas Anderson believes will prevent any acting missteps by the 49 year-old celebrity. Sandler’s name will, however, have “top billing,” or what Paul Thomas Anderson believes will “subliminally exonerate Sandler’s past crimes, rectifying wrongdoing in the form of past contributions to negatively perceived films.” Other actors attached to the film are Nicolas Cage, William Shatner, and William Baldwin, the latter two, like Sandler, will not appear on screen nor will they have any speaking lines.

The only human speech that will take place in the 90-minute film, of whose content is still unknown, will be performed as a voice-over by Nicolas Cage, who Paul Thomas Anderson has instructed to draw upon previous work in such films as Ghost Rider, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, The Wicker Man, Adaptation., Deadfall, and Vampire’s Kiss, all of which Paul Thomas Anderson is unsure of with respect to the quality of performance being good or bad. The director went on to say, “While I’m not sure if Cage could be considered good or bad, he remains unpredictable, capturing the strangest moments of human nature, which makes him the perfect fit for narrator of my film.”


RobSilver

Still living off the name of his college jazz group, “The St. Elmo’s Pack,” Rob Silver is nonetheless still a classy guy. He does, however, suffer a rare condition which prevents him from having a neck. You can catch him most Friday and Saturday nights as featured sax god at the downtown L.A. jazz club, The Nice Melons Club.

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