Written by Grillmaster Clinton, Freelance Contributor.
Charleston, IL–Aspiring author, 17 year-old Charleston High School senior Joey Meloni, who self-identifies as “an unapologetic modernist,” describes famed Lost Generation author Ernest Hemingway as his “classic inspiration.” Meloni, who worked for his high school’s newspaper as head editor before being fired for printing one week’s issue as simply one page containing the single centered word “Fuck,” what he described as a “truthful artistic expression that will eventually be recognized,” describes his writing style to possess much more in common with Modernists such as Thomas Pynchon.
Despite his teachers praising his academic excellence in the classroom and insisting he would have been accepted to the finest colleges, had he not submitted applications containing nearly-nude photos of himself eating pie and flipping off the camera (in lieu of ACT scores), Meloni gave up his initial plans to attend college and eventually an MFA program, instead focusing on publishing his first novel, “an explosive, important work that will demand widespread attention.”
Meloni has thus been unsuccessful, however, his manuscript having been rejected from such publishers as Random House, Simon & Schuster, and HarperCollins. His manuscript was also apparently rejected from such vanity presses (which normally publish anything for a price) as Dorrance Publishing and Author Mill Publishers.
Describing his novel as “unequivocal modernist prose containing a problematical plot and an experimental manipulation of genre and form,” The Shitter and Its Human, as he’s calling it, is a 1,000 page manuscript, of which 999 pages are entirely blank, with only the first page containing a single sentence: “I had to shit.” Meloni, who has complained about Hemingway’s influence, his instructions to “write one true sentence,” has argued that “It was a true sentence. It remains a true sentence.It simply is the truth. It is a universal truth.” Hemingway, who valued absolute truth in prose, has since been written off as a “hack” in Meloni’s eyes. Meloni also commented that “the world is perhaps not ready for this fierce manifestation.”
Reportedly, Random House sent the young aspiring author a strongly worded email rejection, detailing Meloni’s “substance-devoid” novel and demanding that he “Stop that.” The publisher additionally offered a short, albeit rather harsh review, calling the novel “banal, toilet intellectualism.”
Meloni, apparently unaffected by the publisher’s harsh rejection of his text, considers the pitfalls of his publishing pursuits “artistic,” and he has since announced that the followup to his inaugural text will decidedly be titled “Banal Toilet,” with its first 50 pages containing a philosophical unhinging of the “toilet intellectualism” Random House so “naively” accuses Meloni’s “seminal” work of being.
Grillmaster Clinton, less known by the name Hillary Rodham Clinton, who is a candidate in the current U.S. presidential election, is best recognized for her righteous chops behind the grill, known for always cooking up “top notch grub.” Her most recent fine cuisine was cooked for a picnic for a local chapter of Sigma Tau Delta, the national English honor society. She’s also famous for always insisting Rob Lowe stand shirtless beside her sizzling grill, as she finds his physique as “sizzling as it is classy.”