Press Release.

Adam Sandler, famous actor who is known for chronically starring in bad movies, who has recently been consulted for his expertise in acting in bad movies, and whose chronic presence in bad movies has been cause for friends’ concern and has even spurred director Paul Thomas Anderson to make an “art film” in hopes of saving the actor’s career, announced Thursday a some 20-plus year hoax that he has solitary been involved in.

“My career has been a  series of meticulously-staged practical jokes. Got ya! Heh… Heh… Heh…” The actor boldly claimed to a room full of reporters, none of whom apparently had any questions in response to the actor’s claim.

“Aren’t you going to ask me about what it was like having to put up with Kevin James’s dopey ass? Take my word for it when I say that sh*t was difficult! But it was all part of the plan,” the actor said while attempting to bring himself to a respectable evil laugh that turned into an embarrassing, halfhearted giggle. The actor then tried–in the last seconds of mildly holding reporters’ attention during an apparently poorly staged announcement of his “carefully staged” trickery–to find a feline worthy of his villainous petting. Where there were no felines present, the actor reportedly grabbed the toupee off some poor schmuck’s head and began muttering depraved incantations under his breath, while stroking the toupee (and making purring noises on its behalf), to no one’s amusement or even slightest acknowledgement. The room, empty of the gossipy chatter that filled it prior to the despised actor’s entrance, soon was evacuated of its press coverage as reporters filed out one by one.

“Don’t you want to listen to me!?” The actor shouted, probably invoking some depraved character he conjured in a critically-despised movie no one has brought themselves to watch and hence could nary pick up on the reference. In the coming days, the actor would insist of the authenticity of his “career-long practical joke that should be studied over by scholars for years, like Joaquin Phoenix’s rapping career on crack!”

The actor’s claims, however, have completely been absent from the national news sphere, perhaps because no one believes him or wants to dignify the actor’s ludicrous theories of his own exponentially worsening career with a response. One former fan of Sandler, who apparently loved that sh*tty Grownups movie with Kevin James, Chris Rock, and that actor David Spade no one has ever heard of since the unconscionably bad movie Dickie Roberts, said “I know most people give me sh*t for liking Adam Sandler’s movies, those movies that the critics hate and probably consider box office money makers for the lowest common denominator, myself included in that. But I always liked them. This, though, Adam not standing by his movies and saying that it was all some joke and making me look like a fool for liking them–that’s not cool, man.”