George Clooney announces departure from Clinton biopic for “ideal role” as Uncle Ben


An early production snapshot of George Clooney in his previous role as Bill Clinton in Steven Spielberg’s Bill

Written by Rob Cholo, Staff Writer.

Since Alejandro González Iñárritu’s  introduction of his new experimental film The Invisible Man this past month, many Hollywood stars have questioned the direction of their careers and have since made changes to accommodate their innermost desires in show business.  Directors Lenny Abrahamson and Paul Thomas Anderson have both recently revealed eye-raising projects with talent that have long been pushed to the periphery of film culture: Abrahamson’s  The Room 2: The Rise of Denny (in collaborations with original The Room director Tommy Wiseau) and Anderson’s The Visible/Invisible Comedian or (The Unexpected Iniquity of Ignorance Concerning the Actor’s Career) (with Adam Sandler as focus).  Hollywood actors have likewise struck from the beaten path, most notably famed actor and eye-candy George Clooney.

Early yesterday morning, the well-aged actor announced his departure from work on the Clinton biopic Bill directed by Steven Spielberg, which had just begun shooting this month.  Clooney, who was hired to play the past President per specific requests from Bill Clinton himself, has cited Iñárritu’s genius as inspiration for his exploration as an actor into new, exciting territory:

“I heard of The Invisible Man straight from the horse’s mouth, and at first I was put-off.  But then, a week later, sipping a martini at the Sky Bar, I got to thinking… Why not take a risk?  What’s my problem?  The more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me why Alejandro made his decision.  It was bold.  It was striking new claim on what it means to work in Hollywood.  I knew then that I had to follow my dreams for now on.”

It was from that instant in the Sky Bar that Clooney decided to cancel all plans for the biopic and pursue his long-desired “roll of a lifetime” as Uncle Ben in the upcoming superhero movie Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017).  Apparently, Spider-Man has always been Clooney’s favorite superhero since early childhood, contrary to popular belief that he’s a strict Batman fan.  Clooney did not comment, however,  on how much his role as Batman/Bruce Wayne in the horribly campy 90’s flick Batman & Robin (1997) influenced his decision.

“The time was right.  I just had to go for it,” Clooney stated, chuckling.  As the movie’s director Jon Watts has not yet cast Uncle Ben, Clooney knew that this was the perfect opportunity to make a move.  “I know it sounds crazy, but it’s everything I ever wanted as an actor.  Finally, I get to be in a mentoring role, and the moral conscious behind my favorite web-slinger!”


Clooney heading to the airport in Uncle Ben audition get-up

When asked to divulge more of the specifics on his decision to abandon the Clinton-Spielberg project, Clooney replied that it had a lot to do with politics and representation:

“You know, I am sick and tired of being a sex object.  Just because I have a firm jawline and sharp features doesn’t mean everyone has the right to just put me in front of a camera and expect me to feed their sick fantasies!  No offense to Steve, but he had wanted me to go full-frontal in the oval office secretary scene… as if one sex scandal wasn’t bad enough… he wanted to ruin my image as well as Bill’s!  Imagine all the necessary voters Hillary would lose, then!  I couldn’t allow it to happen!”

Spielberg has since put production of Bill on hold as he looks for another Clinton-approved candidate for the lead.  He has reportedly mentioned that Brad Pitt or John Cusack may have a part to play.  Clooney is currently on route to New York, where casting for Spider-Man: Homecoming is in progress.  We wish Mr. Clooney the best of luck in his audition of a life-time.

– RC

Rob Cholo

A film enthusiast, Rob Cholo dabbles in film criticism. Graduating the University of Southern California in the ’80s, he majored in saxophone performance studies, revolutionizing the campus music scene with his super group, Rob Cholo and the Classy Gringos, fusing elements of rap with his warm, smooth jazz. Briefly working for the Daily Trojan during his senior year at USC, he had a column, Rob’s Biffs, known for his harsh, though often poignant, criticisms.