Written by Teddy Chong, Staff Writer.
Burlington, IA–Burlington-based psychedelic rock fusion group, Delia’s Pet, slaved over a dirty oven–“usually used to cook up frozen pizzas during band practice and that we haven’t cleaned since we moved in”–Friday in an act of “trying to be friendly.” The band has rented a single-story suburban ranch in a subdivision known to be “great for families” since early last July, in which they reside, hold rehearsals, and record their music.
Neighbors in the immediate vicinity of the band’s rental property are “chill” millennials that “are never a buzzkill. They usually come to practice and blaze up with us!” However, when it was rumored that a new couple with “traditional views” would be moving in–the Harris family, a pair of 55 year-old lawyers, themselves just as married to their jobs as they are to each other–Delia’s Pet lead singer David “Dagger” Giessinger took it upon himself to “worry our party was up!”
“Dagger” told the members of his band that they had to “make the best of a bad situation and should probably do something nice and welcoming to get on their good side.” Giessinger recalled his own parents delivering a homemade pie to a young couple who moved into the house next to his childhood home, “in an effort of being neighborly, to let them know we’re happy they’re here, and that we hope we can be friends, neighbors.”
“I’ve never been much of an expert on making pies,” Giessinger remarked. “But then it hit me: my special brownies are righteous! and potent! These old farts will love ’em and it’ll take the edge off.” The lead singer, who speaks of the process of adding a clump of marijuana–an illegal drug known for its use to alter one’s consciousness–to a batch of brownie batter, delivered a plate off “sickly-looking brownies” to the Harris’s doorstep, with the note: “Eat up! Enjoy! Rock on, and keep on keeping on!–from your neighbors next door, Dagger, Flat Stanley, and Handsome Mike.”
The lawyer couple, who could easily press charges for assault in the second degree and inducing consumption of a controlled substance by fraudulent means, admitted that the brownies “tasted like shit” but apparently considered the reason for the band’s “poorly tasting brownies” was likely due to their own “pathetic ineptitude, vast inexperience of a few of high school drop-outs that is more laughably harmless than it is a nuisance. Let’s just hope these jokers don’t continue to display their awful baking skills.”
Grant Harris, who first agreed with his wife Joy of the “severe extent to which those brownies were of horrendous quality,” admitted to a “strange, zen-like after-effect.” The lawyer felt it necessary to visit his neighbors’ house to pay tribute and inquire about the secret behind these “understated, seemingly awful, gradually enjoyable brownies.” On entering the band’s abode, however, Harris reportedly forgot the initial reason for his visit and instead began headbanging and wildly waving the colloquial “rock on!” gesture in response to the band’s high-voltage anthems, one such gesture the successful lawyer has never been known to invoke.
Teddy Chong, better known by his stage name ‘Ted Cruz,’ is a known die-hard Pink Floyd fan who is better known for his Geddy Lee-like bass guitar skills which he draws upon in the Men at Work-inspired rock band for which he is the primary member: Ted Cruz and the Zodiac Killers. He is a losing candidate in the current race for the Republican nomination for president. He is the older brother of famous actor Tommy Chong despite actually being younger than him.