So a lot of notionizors have been saying, “Hey, Crazy Dave, you are so successful at escaping ideology, so can you tell me how to get a job? What should I do in my interview to ensure I make a good impression and improve the likelihood of securing the position?”
Well, normally I’d tell them to go shove it! Or recommend reading my tips on how to make sure your interview never forgets you before punching them out! But, because my job is to help them there ideologicalizors punch out the notions of contempt that furnish the walls of their brains, like the fecal matter this here Crazy Dave spread on the walls of the bathroom stall for which a Nobel peace prize was awarded unto him, this here be the next installment of Crazy Dave’s Crazy Column:
Practical Tips for Interviewing (Successful Example Interview Transcript Included)
As you know, this here Crazy Dave has been department chair of Escapist Ideology, a field he invented and has pioneered, at a very prestigious university, as well as at Yummy Chens and Sullivan Taylor Coffee House, two establishments among the best in Macomb, IL to consume ideology.
Tip #1: Escape!
First, you gotta escape, dammit! The hiring body, consisting likely of a series of departmental faculty members looking to scrutinize you through the lens of their ideological notions, and those there Contemptuous! Deep fried notions of Contempt intended to notionize your brain, dammit!
Punch out that there ideological department chair! And then deliver a soliloquy of Escapist preciousness, like this here:
To notionize, or notionize not — that there a notion!
Whether this here a notion to infect that there mind, to suffer,
of notions of Contempt
The slings and arrows of outrageous ideology,
Or to take arms against a sea of deep fried notionsAnd by opposing, consume them. To die—to punch them outNo more; and by a sleep to say we endThe heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there’s the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause—there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th’oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
The pangs of dispriz’d love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th’unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovere’d country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.
Tip # 2: Never!
Tip # 3: That there!
“Well, I am a frequent contributor for a very reputable, highly esteemed news publication.”
“Oh? Which one? Time? The Washington Post? The New Republic?”
“It’s called The Thirsty Thespian, and I actually co-founded it.”
“Really? I’ve never heard of it. Can you describe the kinds of stories that you publish?”
“Okay…? Well, one of our requirements for the position is you have at least one book of poems. Have you published one?”
“Yes, it’s called ‘How to Skin a Cat: An Autobiography.’”
“Okay… Good… And where did you get your degree? Do you hold a Master’s Degree, which is our minimum requirement, an MFA, or a PhD, and from where?”
“Yes! I hold a Master’s Degree in Escapist Ideology, from a Midwestern University!”
“Okay, great. Which one?”
“I just told you, dammit!” Punches out interviewer
Why did you leave your last job?
Tip # 4: Consider Other, Non-Ideological Positions
That there New York Times — spreader of notions (like Nutella, that there Sweet treat),
they recently published an article that was stripped of its Ideology: Truth, dammit!
The cold hard un-ideological Truth: the job market for Academicz is very bleak.
Academicssss know thiz; myself included, as Head Janitor and Professor of Escapist Ideology, a respected department offering PhDs, at the prestigious University at Yummy Chen’s, where I have been at the forefront of this discipline, writing many treatises myself, and coauthoring articles, in fecal matter on bathroom stall walls, with my talented colleagues, like Matthew Poe, who incidentally was recently fired from his job at the University of South Carolina for so-called spreading of “conspiracy theories” to his students (in fecal matter on their faces) and telling them to “go shove it!”, and has since taken on Head of Literary Escapism, my colleague and friend, at Yummy Chen’s University.
Matthew Poe, who poignantly wrote an article in his own rotting feces titled “Devolution: Dealing with How We’ve Perpetuated the Early (Ahead of Their Time) Hippy Dippy Notions of Transcendentalism and How We Can Escape!”, told me one thing on the state of higher education and doctoral pursuits:
We are doomed! For far too long, we have suckled at the chapped teet of Academia and our Government’s Blessed Fiscal Support. But that teet has no more milk to lactate! The metaphor, frankly, is spent, dried up, flaccid (like my cock!), and completely devoid of its Eroticism. No more is it your pick of the litter of the early 2000s. The field is oversaturated (none of them Erect). And our Brother academicians’ scrotums have been mashed, pulverized by the Harsh reality of inevitability. They were waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it fell right on their scrotums, and much brute force of that boot downward squished. But it’s good that we have tenure, huh, ole chap?
As he finished his beautiful Rant, I must admit, the Proprietor of the Chinese Establishment, whom I mistook to be the University President, or of some other administrative role, told us that it was closing time, and we had to get out of there. I told him to go shove it! He then called the police. We, me, myself — and this here precious Matthew Poe — escaped, together (having punched out the Police)!
Though I found that Matthew’s remarks were very fitting, as I came across the plagiarized thoughts, from Matthew’s brain, that the New York Times published as their own!
So what are we to do in these dire times? Matthew and me, myself — this here Crazy Dave! — recommend a pivot: Academics, especially those trained in the prestigious art of fecal matter smearing, can use their high-tech, high-brow intellectual skills in other, non-“Academic” roles — the private sector, I do believe the call it.
For instance, if you graduated with High Honors with a PhD in Basket Weaving from the prestigious Yummy Chen’s University, like our student, Handsome Stanley (pictured below), then you’re in luck!
We have taken a few bullet point excerpts from Handsome Stanley’s Curriculum Vitae (CV), and we’ve suggested amendments that might be appropriate for a private sector job and look attractive on a resume (not Résumé: French is too fancy for non-academic jobs, dammit!)
Handsome Stanley’s CV:
- Graduated with a PhD in Basket Weaving. PhD High Honored Dissertation. Published two chapters of said Work in the prestigious Men and Masculinity journal (sneaked into bathroom of Publication and composed chapters in feces on the bathroom stall). Title of Dissertation: “Basket Weaving for the Masses: Coming Down to Your Level, Idiot.”
- Had sexual awakening, a deeply carnal relationship with my Dissertation chair, the honorable Crazy Dave. Here is a picture of him, taken in our bedroom after a vigorous love-making session:
- Graduated in the top two-thirds of class of 3.
Suggested Alterations for Handsome Stanley’s CV to Resume:
- Great communication skills.
- Team player.
- Fast learner.
(Slip ’em a $20 for good measure)
Tip $ 5 : Punch That There Notioniozor Out!
You can always punch that there notionizor out and take his job, dammit!
Tip & 7: Polish Your CV
I also recommend polishing up your CV with the finest feces.
Tip # 6: Practice in Front of Mirror
It’s good practice to visualize yourself as a success! Visualize yourself being successful and landing the job. That’s step one.
Consider how Robert Di Nero practices his job interview in front of the mirror in the classic “Taxi Driver” film, a cinematic gem! He got the job, dammit!
After you’ve practiced your lines, prepare to punch that there notionizor out, dammit!
And then you’ll have Escaped!:
- You’ll have escaped the existential dread, the doom and gloom, the bleak state of Academia as it exists presently.
- You’ll have escaped that there (also)!
Those there Crazy Dave’s deepest desires, dammit! That there be the end of this here Column! <–read more from this here me, Myself, Crazy Dave’s brain here!
CRAZY DAVE IS THE KIND OF MAN WHO NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION. HE IS CLINICALLY INSANE, AND THE FOX SHOW PRISON BREAK WAS BASED OFF HIS OWN EXPERIENCES BREAKING OUT OF A PENITENTIARY, OR WHAT HE REFERS TO AS HIS “ESCAPE FROM IDEOLOGY!” HIS OFTENTIMES CONTRADICTORY BELIEFS ALWAYS PROVIDE UNPARALLELED HUMAN AUTHENTICITY, AN INTERESTING STUDY.