This here Crazy Dabe!
Them there ideologicalizors of Contemptuousness be the winter of this here me, myself, Crazy’s Discontent, dammit! — filling me, myself, digitized Inbox of ideological Escapism with accusations and unbridled lust and malice-laced complaints heretofore — upset, they be for this here, me, myself, Crazy, the seemingly uninterrupted absence from this here Reputable Publication — lamenting wildly, Cocks waving, twirling in the cold air, “wherefore art thou be — this here, Crazy Dave???” … Here be one such Love letter:
Love your column! I recently traveled 2,000 miles to visit Macomb, IL, got a room in the back of Sullivan Taylor Coffee House — I hid in the bathroom while taking a loud dump and waited for them to close up shop, then set up my sleeping bag under a table in the back corner — and I spent a week there wolfing down jugwine, and consuming and then exorcizing myself of Ideological Spirits — of this here Earth ! — inspired by your NEXT LEVEL Yelp recommendations herein your blessed Crazy Column!!!
I also recently got a great job with staggering benefits, based wholly on your advice in this Here column, having impressed an interviewer — proposing to Him on the spot! We just got back from our honeymoon in Cabo.
I’m just not into him.
I’m wondering how I might break it off while keeping my job? Honestly, I have my eyes on a squirrel that lives in alley behind my makeshift shack.
But wait… I’m getting ahead of myself here… the real reason I emailed you was plainly to ask where you’ve been and why you haven’t posted a column in a while. When might your next column be published on The Thirsty Thespian? It’s my favorite news publication, particularly because of your Pulitzer-winning contributions — I read them in Church before getting banned from my congregation! They were a bunch of notionizors, dammit! I punched them out, and was arrested! I’m writing this email from Jail!
Sincerely, with earnest, rapt fascination,
The honorable Charles Schwab, III.
This here notions from a notionizor trying to infect this Here me, Myself, Crazy’s brain with ideological ideals!
That there coronavirus is on the loose, dammit! He probably got it from that there Husband of his!
Therefore, here be this Here notionjournal, hereby a Crazy Column, a humble observation — based solely on two Primary tenets:
- Coronavirus: Plainly Be Ideology spreading wildfire trying to infect the minds of every man, woman, and child and strip us of our American dignity!
- I think, therefore I am: Wrong! A broad I overheard halfheartedly spreading Notions of Contempt: “Here are some tips on how to ‘How to politely decline a handshake'” failed to recognize the Appropriate response for that there Deadly virus!
- Corona Beer: You can, indeed, drink that there without contracting the Virus.
- That there
Here Be me, myself, Crazy: True Tips on How to Politely decline to shake a Gland during Coronavirus season!
How to Politely Decline a Handshake
A crazy Column by this here me, myself, Crazy Dave!
Coronavirus is a notion! Wild ideologies of Contempt, perpetrated by them there militant Chinese armies trying to subjugate us with DEEP FRIED NOTIONS, over which I was once fired!
This is Known! However, on the other hand, it is far less known on how to prevent the Spread of deep fried notions.
Therefore, here be 5 tips on how to Politely decline a handjob.
Tip # 1: Punch That There Notionizor Out!
You can’t accept that there gland! Punch them out! Kick ’em in the scroutum, dammit!, and run for the Hills!
These here words of Escapist ideology, dammit — Nobel Peace Prize worthy — I hereby nominate them there for that There, dammit!
Tip #2: Run Out of There like a bat out of Hell!
Enough said, dammit! He be a Prizeworthy soliloquizer of melodious serenade grenades!
Then, after you’ve run out of there like a Bat out of hell, double back and punch them there out!
Tip # Three: Offer an Elbow in Place of your Hand
These here Studs have the right idea! You can always fend off a syphilitic, coronavirus-infected hand by offering your elbow in place of it.
Once they’ve reached for your elbow, elbow them in the face, then punch them out!
Tip $4: Never!
Simply decline by saying, “Never!” Then punch them out!
Tip %5: Gloves On, Not Off!
Them there Sterile gloves a hot commodity amid the Coronafever!
Leave it to Beaver to heave up a hairball all over your lucky cleaver!
But sanitation = UTMost importANCE! The most important invention of the last 150 years!
Therefopre, you need an alternative. I humbly recommend some of these here mighty boxing gloves!
They’re for sale on Amazon: gloves
And then you can punch that there virus out!
Part 2, TOO! (BONUZ CONTENT): How to Consume Corona Beer without Contracting the Corona Viruz
We are living in Ideology, as my brother Slavoj Žižek,, my Twin brother, forthput in this Here film, The Pervert’s Guide to Ideology, Which I filmed for him outside our communal Home, a humble dumpster in the back alley behind Sullivan Taylor Coffee House, in Macomb, IL, dammit!
Then lap up the remnants off the dry Earth like a Lion lapping up water to quench its fierce thirst!
Throw that there Corona beer out! And settle for something else, like a Modelo. That there Cerveza ain’t be infected with that there Viruz!
That there be the end of this Here rant!
This here Crazy Dave!
CRAZY DAVE IS THE KIND OF MAN WHO NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION. HE IS CLINICALLY INSANE, AND THE FOX SHOW PRISON BREAK WAS BASED OFF HIS OWN EXPERIENCES BREAKING OUT OF A PENITENTIARY, OR WHAT HE REFERS TO AS HIS “ESCAPE FROM IDEOLOGY!” HIS OFTENTIMES CONTRADICTORY BELIEFS ALWAYS PROVIDE UNPARALLELED HUMAN AUTHENTICITY, AN INTERESTING STUDY.