Cary, IL–An area scrawny man is reportedly delusional about his well-sculpted physique. Lucas Nottingham, a punk rock bassist from Cary–whose diet consists of menthol cigarettes, the occasional saltine garnished with crack, a swig of vodka here and there, a bottle of kombucha, and an oft-rotting apple with a worm crawling out of it–recently caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror only to mutter teasingly under his breath: “Dayummm… I look hella fuckable!” Nottingham, apparently, hasn’t been to the gym since high school P.E. class, some 10-plus years ago, when he was seen by sources slowly sauntering around the track that circled the football field, chain smoking, complaining to his friends about an upcoming exam, and occasionally indiscriminately yelling out “Nice ass!” as female and male classmates alike ran past him. Nottingham confirmed to our sources that his most recently known “physical activity” consisted of his regular routine: casually viewing infomercials, after which aggressive, violent masturbation will typically ensue, seemingly a nervous tic that manifests constantly–perhaps nothing more than a feeble attempt to distract from his devastating sense of loneliness. At press time, Nottingham, shirtless, at a nearby boat dock, was outlining his ribs with his dirty finger to a pair of bikini-clad blondes. Though visibly revolted, Nottingham nonetheless persisted, mouthing “oh ya, you like that?”, clearly unaware that his female “temptresses” had not mistaken his exposed ribs for toned abs.

-TTT.