This here written by Crazy Dave, Ideological Escapist, the next installment of this here Crazy Dave’s Crazy Column at this here Nobel-prized publication!

There’s a town called Macomb in Illinois!  It’s where I grew up!  Anyway, I’ve been ideologically trapped in this here town for a week without a place to live since my landlord evicted me for telling him to Shove it!  I’m homeless! I punched him out, dammit!

Anyway, here be my top places to consume ideology, whether that be through your ideological intestines or through your spiritual loins! Either way, this list be your escape from notions!

I don’t have any money, so I’ve been dining and dashing, whatever these kids call it, or eating out of the dumpsters… still ideologically consumable!

The 10 Ideologicalist Restaurants in Macomb, IL to Consume Notions of Contempt

First, these here restaurants be ideological, dammit! You must escape those there notions of the culinary persuasion by cleansing your ideological palate! Never! AGADD! Step 1: Consume ideology. Step 2: Escape ideology (defecate those there notions from your ideological bowels!)

10. Buffalo Wild Wings

Signature dish: Wings of Ideology, diet pepsiology, lemonadeology, fried pickleology

Setbacks: The waitress kept asking when I wanted the bill! I had to flip the table and create a distraction so I could escape!

9. The Old Dairy

Signature dish: Ideologicalized B-Egg-L Sandwich and coffeeology

Setbacks: They yelled at me for swearing!  I said I didn’t have no #@&^*! pennies to spare for a tip!!  I had to eat on the run!

8. Sullivan Taylor’s Coffee Shop

Signature dish: Ideological Coffee and Ham Sandwichology

Setbacks: None!  They escaped ideology! They’re so precious to me!

7. Chick’s on the Square

Signature dish (eaten out of dumpster): Lipseology with ranch dressing, any ideologicalized burger, potatology soup

Setbacks: I bit a raccoon on accident in the back alley!  I thought it was a cat!  It needs to get rabies shots now.  I could get sued!

6. Yummy Chens

Signature dish: Sushiology and Orange Chicken (the epitome of ideology)

Setbacks:  Me, myself looked all over them there dumpsters… Barely a selection of chicken in that there!

5. Jackson Street Pub

Signature dish (eaten out of dumpster): beereology (I licked it off the ground!  Still consumable!), fried ideological mozzarella, chicken tenderology, and last but not least: the leftover ideological meat of that there pony, a delicacy of the notionary kind if there ever was one, dammit!

Setbacks: They yelled at me for eating out of the dumpster!  I hurled that there undigested leftover pony meat at them and I had to escape before the police came!

4. The Outskirts

Signature dish: Sunriseology burger (over-easy egg, bacon, and cheese on a burger) with crispy ideological fries!

Setbacks: They didn’t let me eat while roller-skating!

3. Italian Express

Signature dish: Meatball sandwichology, spaghettiology, anythingology!

Setbacks: They didn’t have Chinese food!

2. Sesame Garden

Signature dish: House Fried Riceology, Pork Ribeology, Freeological Tea

Setbacks: Me, myself fell asleep with a rib in my hand and was awakened by three Chinese faces standing over me.  Me, myself thought for a second that they had taken over!  Escape!

1. Everly Park (On Square)

Signature dish: Squirrel!  We must consume its ideology!

Setbacks: Catching the squirrel!

The 5 Most Ideological Places in Macomb, IL

Sociality is of the ideological kind, dammit! That there why this here next part of this here article be them there ideological places to consume ideology with your peers–the notionizors you must escape by punching out, dammit!

5. Tattoo Blue (Tattoo Parlor)

Reason why it’s ideological: Them there ideologicalizors assemble within the ideological walls of this here establishment and etch notions of Contempt into their skin, dammit! I punched out a tattooist for coming at me with his notion gun, dammit! Then I ran out of there like a bat out of ideological hell, dammit, but I first grabbed their cat and ran off with it!

4. Barnyard Guitars

Reason why it’s ideological: Those guitars are strung with notions! I took one of them there notion boxes and busted it over a customer’s head before grabbing their cat and running off with it!

3. 3-Way TIE: A Boy and His Tiger (comic book shop), The Kozmic Game Emporium (board game shop), and Nostalgia Decor & Gifts

Why is A Boy and His Tiger ideological: notions spread within the print of each comic strip!

Why is The Kozmic Game Emporium ideological: ideologicalizors passing the time spreading notions amongst themselves over board games!

Why is Nostalgia Decor & Gifts ideological: them there notionizors stuck in ideological time, notionizing themselves with ideological thoughts!

I punched them all out and stole all their cats!

2. TIE: The Forum & The Ritz on the Square (Nightclub/bar)

Reason why they’re ideological: These here establishments be where students drink of the notion juice, dousing their livers the the nectar of the ideologies of their choosing! I punched out as many drunken notionizors as I could before grabbing every cat I could find before darting out of that there ideological place!

Signature cocktail: Notion juice. Recipe: 2 parts ideology (vodka, whiskey, gin, your choice) + 2 parts notions (cola of your choice)

1. Western Illinois University (This here Crazy Dave’s precious home!)

Why’s it ideological: Notionizors roam the halls spreading ideological contempt! I punch out 1 notionizor daily and try to find as many cats as I can! They roam them there streets!

Anywhoo, those there the most ideological places in this here town, Macomb, IL! Now go shove it!

This here Crazy Dave!

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CRAZY DAVE IS THE KIND OF MAN WHO NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION. HE IS CLINICALLY INSANE, AND THE FOX SHOW PRISON BREAK WAS BASED OFF HIS OWN EXPERIENCES BREAKING OUT OF A PENITENTIARY, OR WHAT HE REFERS TO AS HIS “ESCAPE FROM IDEOLOGY!” HIS OFTENTIMES CONTRADICTORY BELIEFS ALWAYS PROVIDE UNPARALLELED HUMAN AUTHENTICITY, AN INTERESTING STUDY.