Macomb, IL–Breaking: A Macomb, IL area Wendy’s terminated the employment status of Dave Jonze (legal name: Crazy Dave; known aliases: Crazy Donald J., Donald J. Crazy, and This Here Crazy Dave!) after said employee was seen by several witnesses, confirmed on video surveillance, battering customers as they proceeded from the intercom menu to Jonze’s post at the drive-up window. As confirmed by Police Chief Curt Baker, Jonze, a known hothead, criminal mastermind, and a practitioner and “scholar of ‘escapist ideology,'” had “staged and executed, quite expertly, an elaborate series of sucker-punches upon the honest citizens of Macomb.” The first victim of these horrors, Gerald Meraldo, a 63-year old schoolteacher with no apparent relation or prior quarrels with Jonze, made a simple request that started a chain-reaction of punching that saw no end until police tackled Jonze to the ground. Said request: “Excuse me, sir, can I have condiments with that, hmm, how about some ketchup, and I’ll take some…” The poor man never completed his thought, as Jonze, upon prompt exclamation “Never!”, struck the man into a cold state of unconsciousness. The punching did not stop, as Jonze climbed out of the drive-up window to continue his prolific fist-swinging, proclaiming “Escape! escape! escape! Never! That there–A notion! Of Worldly ideologies, from this here Earth!” Jonze, diving toward each oncoming, unsuspecting vehicle as they navigated around the bend from the menu toward the drive-up window, struck as many as 6 other customers before darting into oncoming traffic on Jackson Street. Jonze was apprehended by police, further down Jackson, some time later, and taken into custody, what he would later refer to as “ideological bars of Contempt, from which I must escape!” The Wendy’s strikings is by no means an isolated occurrence, either. Jonze’s repeated “punching out” of Macomb citizens has been seen all over town, at such venues as Sullivan Taylor Coffee House (when Jonze was seen “punching out” a college student who ordered a vanilla latte, what Jonze referred to as “an ideological beverage”), at Yummy Chen’s (when Jonze “punched out” a waiter for asking him if he was ready to order, what Jonze regarded as “That there a notion!”), as well as at countless others.

Despite being promptly fired and jailed, Jonze claims he chose to leave of his own accord, vehemently disagreeing with Wendy’s company-wide “divisive policies,” what he went on to characterize as: “Ideologicalized ideologicalization, an ideologicaling of supposed idyllic ideologicalizing–Lies, dammit! Those there ideologicalizors are selling deep fried notions, ideological notions, of Contempt, dammit, heard by this here Crazy Dave, from that there ideological horse’s mouth!”

-TTT