thirstythespian

Exclusive Report: KFC is “Getting Out of the Chicken Business!”

LOUISVILLE, KY—Erroneous reporting by subpar, AI-slop-perpetuating rags like Yahoo News might have misinformed readers1 believing that Kentucky Fried Chicken (colloquially, KFC), part of Yum! Brands, is moving its headquarters out of its namesake Louisville, Kentucky, to a joint-headquarters in Plano, Texas, and Irvine, California, respectively. In fact, the Thirsty Thespian is the first to break the following exclusive story depicting the Colonel’s true intentions: 

A Franchise Disrupted 

It’s no surprise that the KFC business has dwindled in recent years: steep competition from other fried chicken chains has led to industry-wide challenges; however, it’s no other competitor than behemoth Chicago Fried Chicken (CFC) – the very business that Bernie Sanders left the 2016 primaries to pursue – and which has garnered the support of Los Pollos Hermanos CEO and drug king pin Gustavo Fring – that has chased the restaurant chain out of town. 

Bernie Sanders is the head of Chicago Fried Chicken (CFC)

Bernie Sanders, the methodical Chicago Fried Chicken (CFC) proprietor, reportedly put the fear of God into the KFC leadership team. It was reported that the highly lucrative, well-connected, and merciless competitor CFC, led by former politician and democratic socialist Bernie Sanders2, sent two of the Chicago chain’s most ruthless fry cooks, the Salamanca brothers Leonel and Marco, to murder the KFC CEO in a more meticulous manner than the recent murder of the UnitedHealthcare slaying. Rather than wielding axes, like they had done previously on the behalf of Gustavo Fring, Sanders and Fring instructed them to use a more symbolic, culinary approach: to choke out the CEO of KFC on a bucket of Sanders’ original recipe. 

The Salamanca brothers Leonel and Marco hold two buckets of symbolic murder chicken.

However, on receiving a bucket of the Colonel’s chicken left behind by the brothers as a warming, KFC CEO Sabir Sami notably issued a company-wide statement that they would be leaving Kentucky (Sanders’ territory) and the chicken business entirely out of increasing fear of Sanders’ retaliatory practices.

“It’s clear that Kentucky is Bernie’s territory,” read a memo penned by Sami. “And I don’t want to cross paths with that 83-year-old, calculating, and absolutely heartless mercenary.”   

A bucket of CFC adorned by Sanders’ slogan: “It’s medicare for all-licking good!®”3

KFC Absorbed by CFC, Will Abandon Old, Inferior I.P. 

Sami therefore willingly handed over the intellectually property associated with the KFC brand. Sanders, now the successful victor of the chicken industry’s largest hostile takeover, took quickly to announcing his intentions in a sweeping press release:

A company-wide memo and press release announcing how KFC would be absorbed by the more superior CFC brand, signed by the Colonel himself, Bernie Sanders.

At press time, CFC announced that it had also absorbed a smaller chain of chicken joints, Bobby D’s, recently started by folk singer Bob Dylan; similarly to the case of KFC, Bob Dylan’s chicken joint would be discarded of and rehabbed into CFC: “America has had enough if this hack and his inferior chicken,” Sanders cruelly remarked, apparently unmoved when the prophetic, Nobel Prize-winning singer/songwriter told Sanders he had gone into the chicken business inspired by the tasty birds he had consumed in a CFC location years prior. 

-TTT.

Footnotes

  1. See BBC study: AI Chatbots can’t accurately summarize news ↩︎
  2. See: Report: Bernie Sanders to finance expensive proposals with proceeds from “chicken business” ↩︎
  3. Actual slogan is the Intellectual Property (I.P.) of The Thirsty Thespian, Inc. and its subsidiaries. ↩︎