ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Gustavo Fring, a former methamphetamine drug lord and owner-operator of a chicken business front, Los Pollos Hermanos, while previously believed to have been blown up, in fact reportedly pulled off an elaborate ruse, known colloquially in the Albuquerque area as “pulling a Jane,” to avoid sentencing.   

It would appear that Fring’s supposed death was in fact a 2-part deception, deceiving both the authorities as well as Jesse Pinkman who (for whatever reason) has a problem with Fring. Said ruse was carried with the help of Walter White, who also pulled off a “Jane” of his own later, on the mutual agreement that Fring cut White into his future business dealings, or what Fring described as “Going legit—I need his advanced chemistry knowledge to apply to the chicken business! The recipe is everything!”  

Inspired by the selfless acts and recent events of Bob Dylan and Bernie Sanders, Gustavo Fring, now going by the moniker “Rus Gringo,” and a wearing a completely believable glasses-mustache combo disguise to conceal his true identity, was dedicated to open his own “southwestern” satellite chain of “Chicago Fried Chicken,” having already paid the franchising fees to Bernie Sanders who was reportedly going to use them to launch his 2024 Presidential Campaign.   

At press time, Fring and White had agreed the best chicken recipe would be one that was laced in methamphetamines, preferably “blue meth,” to really “give it a kick!” 

This article is part of an ongoing breaking news series that is already getting Pulitzer-Prize buzz! 

-TTT.