BREAKING: Walter White Not Dead, in Witness Protection, Family Man After All These Years

Pictured: Walter White fleeing another family.

SOME SUBURBAN TOWN, USA—Walter White, PhD, a former chemist, failed businessman, jealousy and rage-filled infamous drug kingpin known by the moniker “Heisenberg,” who was previously believed to have bled out from sustained gunshot wounds on a spotless (albeit covered in his blood) meth laboratory, is reportedly alive and well.

White, it would appear, “pulled a Jane,” faking his own death with his impending arrest had officers rushing to the scene found him alive. Once transported to the morgue, when the mortician exited the room for a brief bathroom break, White immediately fled the scene, and contacted “that guy with the vacuum repair shop,” claiming “I need to get the fuck outta here! I need a new dust filter for a Hoover MaxExtract Pressure Pro, Model 60, pronto!” The mortician, asked about the incident later, remarked: “That’s the second missing body this week! What the heck is going on? Where are these bodies disappearing to?”

It was at this point that Walter White was transported to some nondescript suburban town, where he finally got what he always wanted, a “loving family” he could “provide for, such as a genius son who actually appreciates and considers my drug chemistry is an achievement, unlike that ungrateful Junior who won’t take my damn drug money! You’re too good for drug money? Drug money is what pays the bills, you little punk!” 

When asked about his former family, particularly his wife, Skyler (who is reportedly still a total bitch after all these years), he said this: “Fuck that noise! All I ever wanted to do was provide for my family. Skyler, bitch. Junior, that kid is an asshole. Hank and Marie, it’s about time that klepto Marie was finally put in jail; and as for that fat Bruce Willis, trigger happy, sucker-punching buffoon Hank, he wouldn’t know an ale from a lager. Heck, he’d probably choke on a yellow gypsum, mistaking it for a piece of Gus’s blown-to-bits fried chicken!”  

With much reflection, he added: “Unbreakable, psh. Not unbreakable, just fat.” 

This article is part of an ongoing breaking news series that is already getting Pulitzer-Prize buzz