July 9, 2021thirstythespian

BREAKING: Jane Marigolis Living in NYC, Reportedly Faked OD to Avoid Awkward Breakup with Jesse Pinkman

Pictured: Jane Marigolis, previously believed to have died of an overdose which infamously led her former lover Jesse Pinkman into a downward spiral of depression, in fact alive and well, living in New York, where she has reportedly become best friends with high-profile Dawson’s Creek star James Van Der Beek (left), and some other blonde broad named June (right).

NEW YORK CITY—An Albuquerque woman previously reported by Variety as having died of an overdose has been since spotted living vivaciously in New York City, and whose life has been chronicled in a documentary series you can currently stream on Hulu.

Jane Marigolis, a tattoo artist who does not have any tattoos but ravenous, insatiable addictions to vagina paintings and heroin, was believed (and seen by Walter White) to have choked on her own vomit. However, TTT reporters were able to track down Jane, now living in New York City, and known by neighbors as the “B in apartment 23.” 

We were able to deduce the following facts: 

  • Jane is living under the pseudonym “Chloe” 
  • She faked her own death  
  • She does not wish to be found by Jesse Pinkman, her former lover
  • She has become best friends with high-profile celebrity James Van Der Been, famous for his role in Dawson’s Creek

Substantiated by roommate June, Jane “Chloe”: “All I know is she wanted to avoid an awkward breakup with a former boyfriend she said was too needy and kinda a big baby. For example, he got all emotional over the death of some little punk on a dirt bike he didn’t even know personally.” She added, “Don’t get me wrong, Chloe loves her some ‘pussies,’ her word, not mine; just look how often she goes to that Georgia O’Keefe exhibit. That said, she just doesn’t like her men to be them…” 

Despite all of this, Jane’s gifted acting skills made faking her own death fairly convincing, witnessed for one by Walter White, who would later be inspired by it. Her performance as “a lifeless corpse” also convinced her grieving boyfriend, Jesse Pinkman,” whose “gross tears got all over me!” when he found her hours later motionless next to him. It was a role to which she had fully committed, becoming a supposed corpse that was later transported to the morgue; at this point, Jane, waiting for the mortician to take a bathroom break, quickly escaped through the side door and “made a beeline for the east coast to get as far away from that lame-ass as possible!” Such an act, faking one’s own death in such a way, would later become colloquially known in the Albuquerque area as “pulling a Jane. Classic Jane!”

This article is part of an ongoing breaking news series that is already getting Pulitzer-Prize buzz! 

-TTT.