BREAKING: M. Night Shyamalan to Make New Biopic “Unbreakable: 20 Years Later” Starring Hank Schrader

A movie poster for an upcoming biopic: “Unbreakable 2: The Hank Schrader Story,” from M. Night Shyamalan, which already has a -5 star rating on the popular film review site Rotten Tomatoes as well as the more respected film criticism site (as evidenced by regular lauding in the film community), The Thirsty Thespian (the publication you’re currently on).

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Wildly erratic filmmaker, M. Night Shyamalan, whose films range from unforgivably terrible to actually pretty decent, upon reading fan “hate mail” likening serially ineffective and prone to jumping-the-gun DEA agent Hank Schrader to “a fat Bruce Willis” has reportedly decided to make a sequel to his popular 2000 superhero film, Unbreakable, “a documentarian-retelling of the hugely compelling, fully immersive, and frankly amazing story of Hank Schrader.” Dodging death twice (when nearly blown up by a bomb-laced turtle, and again when attacked by twin miscreants), Night Shyamalan adds, “likely, convincingly makes him ‘unbreakable.'”

Night Shyamalan, when asked about his upcoming biopic, noted, “When I read the ‘fat Bruce Willis’ joke, I at first thought it was a little cruel, though completely spot-on accurate, but when I talked to Agent Schrader, and heard his story, particularly his recent wife’s incarceration, I knew it was time for me to tell his story. He’s been through a lot through his career!”

On explaining the use of CGI and other computer-aided special effects, Night Shyamalan commented he’s considered turning the twins into “air benders” and having them summon a flying rock that lands on Agent Schrader’s car to “add dramatic effect.” 

At press time, after receiving studio feedback about how “Schrader actually sustained pretty substantial injuries, putting him in the hospital and requiring him to undergo extensive physical therapy, hence making the ‘unbreakable’ descriptor not very accurate,” Night Shyamalan shrugged it off and suggested they instead rename the film “Unshakable.”

This article is part of an ongoing breaking news series that is already getting Pulitzer-Prize buzz