“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby! You’re going to die!”
Axl Rose, the lead singer of Guns N’ Roses, was fired from his job Thursday for frightening cruise goers with his wild rock n’ roll antics, among them including climbing up the boat’s bamboo canopy while “hanging there all creepy like some wild rock n’ roll sloth;” grabbing his crotch provocatively while belting lyrics like “feel my serpentine;” and justifying his actions with lines like “learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play” before grabbing and gulping down one guest’s funnel cake without his permission. “If you got a hunger for what you see, you’ll take it eventually,” Rose said in defense of his behavior, “You can have anything you want, but you better not take it from me,” and violently slapping the man across the face.
Rose previously worked as a Tour Guide on Magic Kingdom’s Jungle Cruise Tours before losing his job for “extremely questionable behavior.” Rose’s erratic behavior has been previously seen in his personal life by guests at a recent “game night.”
Among the most egregious acts was abruptly veering the boat off course onto a sharp downward series of waterfalls while ominously shouting into the loudspeaker, “You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby! You’re gonna die!”
“I was honestly afraid for my life,” said 50-year-old guest and mother Ruth Addingdale, still visibly shaken. “What is wrong with that man?”
Ruth’s son added, “It was like he went full-on Willy Wonka!”
At press time, a sexual harassment lawsuit was filed on the behalf of an 80-year-old Japanese woman against Rose claiming Rose had reportedly walked toward her menacingly while calling her “a very sexy girl” and remarking, “it’s very hard to please, / You can taste the bright lights, but you won’t get there for free!”