SAN FRANCISCO, CA—a major American website, Glassdoor, “where current and former employees anonymously review companies, announced Thursday it would be launching a spin-off brand specifically intended for professionals in the adult industry (e.g., exotic dancers and “escorts”) who have the desire to review their current or past employers and share their experiences (positive or negative). 

The service, which is called “Ass Door” (stylized assdoor), is expected to launch in five American cities—Houston, Texas; Newark, New Jersey; San Bernardino, California; Detroit, Michigan; and Jersey City, New Jersey—before wider rollout can be achieved. Assdoor’s parent company, Glassdoor, insists that the cities were picked “at random.” 

Glassdoor’s claims notwithstanding, Pulitzer Prize-winning TTT investigative reporter Jugs Bazongas uncovered that the first five cities are also the same five cities among a recent comprehensive list of “dirtiest cities in the United States,” a fact that put the company Glassdoor on the defensive, claiming it was “simply a coincidence.” However, when Bazongas, a senior reporter for TTT who has received many prestigious awards for “high journalism,” pushed Glassdoor to explain “the coincidence that also accounted for two cities in the same state being chosen,” Glassdoor refused to comment. 

Describing the company’s branding, name and “messaging,” Director of Assdoor Brand Marketing explained:

The new service is dubbed “assdoor,” which combines the words “ass,” slang for a woman’s rear and “door,” which borrows from our parent company’s name, “glassdoor,” but also, the word “door” has dual meanings—it can be a “figurative door, meaning not a literal door to a physical property, but in the metaphorical sense, like opening many doors to your future; and it also can be a secondary reference to the woman’s rear end, you know, like “going through the back door!” We like double entendres here at Assdoor! 

When asked about the company’s logo, he explained: 

We took two circles, shapely circles that draw the eye in with longing, to depict a woman’s backside, and we colored them the same green as Glassdoor’s logo, to stay on brand, you know? But if that image didn’t give you the message we were going for—that is, a woman’s tuchus—then we added a third circle in the middle, and we chose brown to add additional meaning—you know, brown, poop. That’s supposed to be her asshole!

At press time, Assdoor’s corporate office “warming” party kicked off at a nearby gentlemen’s club, The Fuzzy Flamingo—inside, “Linger” by popular Irish rock band The Cranberries began playing on the stereo when a patron laughed and remarked, “Isn’t this song about a fart?”

Rolling Stone: “This song’s about a fart!”