LOS ANGELES, CA—Staff at a sales department briefing at local company Marketing Automation, LTD. were noticeably starstruck when famous American actor Jared Leto entered the room. Leto, HR confirmed, had been shadowing an experienced Business Development Manager as part of his Junior Salesman training. While Leto is well-known globally in the north American country of the United States of America (USA) as an actor and founding member of the rock band 30 Seconds to Mars, he has reportedly been struggling to find acting work. Studio executives, when asked, cited the fact that “he’s not very good at acting” chief among their reasons for not offering him work.  

Leading the meeting, Biz Dev Manager Arnold Aggressor remarked that “offering complimentary gifts, such as highly coveted YETI ramblers in unusual colors like bright yellow, is a surefire way to get an otherwise uninterested sales prospect to agree to a 15-minute call.”

“Look, you gotta give them something,” Aggressor said as his body visibly gyrated. With white powder coating his nostrils, it remained unclear whether the 45-year-old man was currently under the influence of cocaine. He added, “We all know that we trade email lists with shady data brokers and call them ‘leads.’ But let’s be honest, ‘lead’ is just a euphemism for someone who never agreed to being contacted.”

He elaborated, “You send them a YETI rambler, and these poor saps light up, because they just gotta have it.” Aggressor informed his staff, among them notorious Hollywood actor Jared Leto, that offering free gifts like this, “Perhaps a free Bloomin’ Onion, you know, from Outback Steakhouse – that’s just one example,” in exchange for “15 minutes of their time that would in no way be viewed in a court of law as quid-pro-quo.” Laughing, he added, “But if anyone asks, these leads are friends, not prospective sales.”   

Leto, who is best known in the state of California to be a prominent actor with 4.1 million Twitter followers and 11 million Instagram followers, respectively, was seen taking diligent notes in a blue spiral notebook that had the name “Jared” written in large permanent marker on its front cover.

In a follow-up 1-on-1 with Aggressor, Leto said that his previous role as a global superstar would make him the ideal fit for not only this role (which Leto was still merely in a “trial period” for), but also for this assignment. “Don’t you think that my celebrity would sway someone?” Leto asked Aggressor, who remained unconvinced. Leto added, “But anyway, I’ve sent gifts before in a major, newsworthy way. So, sending gifts to land a call with a prospective client, that’ll be a piece of dirty cheese!” Leto was of course referring to the reports that he sent cast members of the highly panned Suicide Squad rats and other unsolicited “gifts” as part of getting into the mind of his character, the Joker. For that character, Thirsty Thespian Film Editor Mick Montage panned Leto’s performance, calling it, “like a highly discounted Day-Lewis wannabe that straight-up SUCKS!”

“Listen, I’m sick of all these damn Joker brags. The movie blew chunks! And not the good ones!” Aggressor scolded Leto. “Now make me some damn cake already!”

Undeterred, Leto, racing to his cubicle computer, a 1998 Gateway loaded with Windows 95, fired off the following email:

At press time, computer crimes of the LA county FBI field office had been dispatched to investigate suspected cyber terrorism.