ALBUQUERQUE, NM—You probably thought we were going to report on Gale Boetticher miraculously dodging a bullet to the skull (or bouncing off his strange, song-filled head) and becoming an affair-having, hard-hitting New York lawyer, didn’t you? Well. Nope. Still corpse. It’s weird they just left him lying there, though.

This article is part of an ongoing breaking news series that is already getting Pulitzer-Prize buzz! 

-TTT.