SAN ANTONIO, TX—A Texas-area wax museum has reportedly replaced its wax figurine depicting the likeness of Donald Trump after said statue had been violently punched by angry museum patrons and Trump enemies, including one visitor from Macomb, IL—Dave Jonze, Jr., an insane man and Macomb, IL resident known by readers of this paper as Crazy Dave. “This rambunctious fella, full of energy, kept on attacking our valuable Donald Trump figurine and shouting things like ‘Escape!’ and ‘Notionizor!’, and he kept on insisting, ‘That there a notion!’,” Peter Tortilini, the wax museum’s general manager told Thirsty Thespian reporters. “We would have had him locked up had he not made a generous contribution of a wax figurine to replace the Trump statue he had beaten to an unrecognizable pulp.”

Explaining his side of the story, Jonze told TTT that Trump is actually Jonze’s half-brother, with whom Jonze has reportedly had an embattled relationship. Jonze elaborated: “That there notionizor, Crazy Donald J. is me, myself, Crazy Dave’s half-brother, shares the same mother, precious Edwina Davina, mother Racoon!, of this here, Crazy Dave! Stole me, myself, my Crazy Identity, dammit!”

Jonze added, for the past 5+ years Trump has been acting in an “insane” manner, and has proven himself to be a serial fraudster and identity thief who has “stolen me, myself, Crazy Dave!”—with Jonze leveling arguments against Trump of intellectual property theft, believing the campaign Trump has unceasingly run on, as well as the bizarre behavior he has exhibited and incited in his followers, has been direct “thieveries” of Jonze’s own “escapist ideology” principles he’s spent his life developing and living by. “That there Donald J. Crazy Dave be an ideologicalizor, spreading notions of Contempt—ideological Lies, of that there!” Jonze remarked.

Jonze’s contribution to the museum, therefore, bears the familial resemblance to Trump but (according to Tortilini) possesses a “younger, slightly better looking, less ‘punchable’ face.” 

At press time, the Crazy Dave wax statue had been removed after Jonze had trampled his own likeness in a violent rage. “I escaped! Me, myself, Crazy Dave, dammit!” Jonze was heard shouting. Despite the damages to property, Tortilini will not pressing charges, claiming, “We can’t very well lock up someone for punching themselves out, now can we?” 

-TTT.