DELAFIELD, WI—A local car owner has reportedly been arrested for unlocking his 2017 Subaru Impreza utilizing its key. 

Upon unlocking the vehicle manually using the key, instead of pressing the remote unlock button featured on the base of the key, an abrasive car alarm (an apparent default setting that needs to be manually disabled) was triggered, drawing the attention of a conveniently passing-by squad car. Engaging a police siren as their vehicle came screeching to a halt, two police officers exited either door of the squad car and came racing toward the car owner, upon which they proceeded to beat him mercilessly with their billy clubs. “Stop resisting arrest, you car-stealing chump!” one police officer shouted at the bewildered car owner as he lay motionlessly and bleeding on the concrete slab garage floor. “We caught you red-handed!” the police claimed.

Gian Martinez, a marketing executive, who has owned the black hatchback for the past 3 years, admittedly “hadn’t tried opening the car the old-fashioned way,” regularly relying on the car’s remote unlock button and unaware that the manufacturer inexplicably sets the car’s alarm to engage when opened this way. Trying to explain the situation to the enraged officers, they, disbelieving, laughed off Martinez’s “unlikely story,” noting: “Ya, right! Nice try. You almost got away with it!” 

The police officers, taking Martinez “downtown” and booking him, conferred with their chief investigator Ian Racituconcluzón, and determined a search warrant for Martinez’s apartment would be needed “for probable cause,” believing they had plenty of evidence: “This guy is clearly a master forger and skilled in electrical engineering. He’s managed to copy the design of a Subaru key perfectly as a way to make his story, that the car belongs to him, more believable. This is the cleanest soldering and attention-to-detail I’ve seen in my 15 years on the force. There’s no telling how much damning evidence is in his apartment!”

The Thirsty Thespian, reaching out to Subaru to get their side of the story, can confirm that the company has their vehicles built with this setting by default. “This is a security feature, and we’re not to blame for anyone being arrested for unlocking their vehicles with the keys they were given by the dealer at the time of purchase,” Interim Subaru of America President Ivana Phuckyuover said in an email reply. When asked why the alarms on Subaru vehicles would automatically engage when their owners used their key, Phuckyuover responded: “Listen, buddy, if these scmucks want to use this old technology—or can’t afford a replacement battery—they’re probably lowlife creeps anyway!” 

Meanwhile, at Martinez’s spotless apartment, which contained no evidence of criminal activity, Racituconcluzón told Thirsty Thespian reporters: “We’ve got this guy dead to rights! Look at this place! It’s spotless. Just the way a crook would want his place to appear.” 

At press time, Gian’s roommate—the owner of a sedan from a competing manufacturer—became victim to a carjacking after pulling into parking lot when the car’s auto-unlock (a supposed “convenience” feature) had engaged as a carjacker ran up and yanked the unsuspecting car owner from his vehicle. 

-TTT.