CUPERTINO, CA—Acknowledging recent degraded battery performance issues, following the launch of iOS 14, as well as simultaneously facing lawsuits for throttling older iPhones in a so-called attempt to protect degrading batteries, Apple announced Wednesday a new iPhone “accessory” product line to finally put these issues to rest: The iPhone Battery Booster.

“Listen, we get it,” said Apple SVP of Software Engineering Craig Federighi. “Battery technology is a tricky, hairy, sex-crazed baboon. At Apple, we’re constantly innovating and putting new software advances that nobody can compete with in the hands of our users. But sometimes, these great new features cause your iPhone, especially important components like its battery, to become barely functional, or completely useless—like an inept stock boy, looking at you with a blank stare, eyes glazing over while you’re growing increasingly impatient, just trying to figure out which isle the bagels are in. But that’s precisely why we’ve introduced a brand-new, exciting product: The Battery Booster!”

Federighi went on to explain the new product in greater detail:

With this highly innovative, completely new-to-world product, we’re introducing patented battery enhancement technology we’ve invested trillions of R&D dollars into. For example, it features a highly strengthened lightning cable attachment—which prevents it from breaking after only a couple of months of light use, like other Apple lightning cable products. You can plug your iPhone in to this exceptionally powerful battery booster, using this more durable Lightning Cable (or a standard Lightning Cable, if you’d prefer), and get an impressive two hours of battery life (provided you aren’t utilizing the device’s standard functionality), as it sits unused in your pocket, on top of your device’s naturally rapidly dwindling battery life! I know, I know. You’re probably wondering about in-use performance specs. Depending on the kind of user you are—either the casual user that only minimally uses their iPhone, or the moderate user who occasionally checks their phone to see what time it is—you’ll get anywhere from 40 minutes to 3 hours of low-mid iPhone use.”

When asked about the performance one could expect from the upgraded Battery Booster Lightning Cable, to justify the nearly $30 up-charge from a standard Apple Lightning cable, Federighi noted users could expect the same battery charging capabilities; however, he added that, with the durable materials it’s made out of, users could reasonably expect their Battery Booster Lightning cables to last approximately 3-4 weeks longer than the standard version.

iPhone Battery Booster Current Lineup Specs

The iPhone Battery Booster comes in two main kinds:

Battery Booster Standard: This low-profile power source can be plugged into your iPhone with an enhanced Battery Booster cable (sold separately, for the low price of $45.00), which offers a more durable build, or you can pair it with any other Apple Lightning cables (sold separately, $19.00 ea.) for standard functionality. You’ll also need to buy a separate USB-C Power Adapter ($19.00), to help Apple save the planet.

Battery Booster Pro: This heavy-duty option offers nearly all-day power. Built out of converted, refurbished Mac Pros, the new Battery Booster Pro features Apple’s iconic computer tower silhouette, while combining extremely functional handles that can be used to transport your battery-power boosting technology to anywhere you might be going. It can be carted around by two people taking either handle, or by one person grabbing onto both handles and waddling slowly like an obese penguin with an unbalanced gait. You can get your Battery Booster Pro for the low price of $2,500, in addition to its necessary components (wall charger, $150.00), Battery Booster Lightning Cable ($45.00), or standard Lightning Cable ($19.00).  You can also get a heavy-duty extension cable for outdoor use ($250.00).

As a full product line, Federighi noted users could also opt for the Battery Booster Pro model, explaining:

Listen, I know there are some professional users out there in the crowd—workers in the construction industry, for example, who rely on their smartphones for their jobs—who will require more than 20 minutes of continued use before their phones are completely dead. We totally get this at Apple. It’s a huge hassle, when your phone inexplicably goes from 80% charge to 15% only in a matter of minutes when sending a few text messages to your boss. That’s why we’ve introduced the Battery Booster Pro model to our lineup of solutions. With this exciting new product, pros can get a whopping, give or take, 2 hours of continuous use when plugged in to this high-powered, patented battery tower. Or, if they opt to buy a wall charger, they can get all-day power and the reliability you need in your office (provided the charging feature isn’t misconfigured or experiencing a bug that makes it randomly go from fully charged to halfway charged, and then back up again so quickly that you experience a sensation similar to whiplash). Or you can opt for our heavy-duty extension cable—affording you a whole 10 feet!—that will come in handy for all you power users that have jobs outside. Just plug into any wall socket located on the side of any building, and voilà—all-day battery power to your iPhone! But wait, that’s not all. We’re also considering bringing a gas-powered option to market, to deliver reliable power to all of you outdoor users, who spend your time in remote locations with no access to luxuries like a wall socket. Just pour in the 10 gallons of gas required to power this heavy-duty battery-backup, and you’ll no longer have to worry about your iPhone’s rapidly dying battery.

At press time, a beta tester of Apple’s new gas-powered Battery Booster Pro Max had submitted a complaint to Apple’s customer support team, wondering why his gas-power generator had started on fire, and also why his iPhone, within 30 seconds of use, had dropped from a 100% charge to -20%. “Is that even theoretically possible?” he wrote.

-TTT.