THE OLD WILD WILD WEST, USA–Shocked locals of an old west town were outraged to learn that the protective mask worn by area gunslinger Blondie “Tombstone” Cogburn, to protect against COVID-19, was in fact just a bandana, worn frequently by Cogburn to keep sand out of his nose and mouth while atop his trusty horse Lucky, galloping through the southwestern desert, or to frankly look like a total badass while involved in a shoot out. “Listen, I’m the fastest gun in west. You think I’m going to let a little virus best me?” boomed Cogburn, drinking heavily from a cartoonishly large jug of whiskey outside of a saloon that’s only serving liquor to patrons as curbside pickup due to the unprecedented magnitude and severity of COVID-19.
Cogburn, vocally unfazed, a cynic and critic, of the virus’s impact, ostensibly cares enough to mask his face with a favorite, if weathered, bandana, and even instituted a new social distancing protocol for shoot outs on hearing the virus could travel up to 27-feet in air particles. Still, by all accounts, Cogburn prefers to be COVID-19’s most bombastic critic, quipping: “If they care so much about sanitation, why don’t they do something about this,” he howled while trying unsuccessfully to kick a wayward tumbleweed.
Cogburn, apparently now the only local resident of the wild west to walk along the deserted streets, which give all the outward characteristics and impressions of a ghost town, passes the time in isolation frequently practicing twirling his guns, clamoring his spurs, and priding himself in his strong masculinity that towers over any virus. Local residents even claim hearing Cogburn’s boisterous yelp, “YEE HAW!”, carrying miles away and shaking the walls of their pre-Civil War era homesteads.
At press time, Cogburn, supposedly the ‘fastest gun in the west,’ back turned in the opposite direction of where the virus supposedly occupied space exactly 27-feet away, prepared to face off in a shoot out against “big, bad” COVID-19 on the behalf of our American ideals. Upon jeering, “This town ain’t big enough for the two of us,” Cogburn violently pivoted on one foot and yanked for his revolver, only to feel suddenly overcome by a fever and an unexplained dry cough.