Despite recent successes in the Star Wars canon with stream-worthy shows such as The Mandalorian and upcoming hopefuls: Rogue One and Obi-Wan spin-off series, the Disney Plus streaming platform has been locked in a fierce battle with streaming giants Hulu, Amazon, and Netflix, the latter of which outperformed Disney in nominations at this year’s Academy Awards. In an effort to overcome competition, Bob Iger has proposed drastic changes in the Disney model to accommodate what he referred to as “fringe tastes” to secure the future stability of the company.
According to Iger, the choice would demonstrate Disney’s determination in continuously growing as the world’s largest streaming and entertainment company by accessing the most passionately intimate facets of the small screen: porn. Iger: “We cannot deny the stimulating truth of our beloved industry any longer… porn is the future of entertainment. And it should be the future of Star Wars. Far too long have we allowed these knockoffs–these indie fan-girls and amateur porn stars–to dominate the Star Wars smutt scene. I have, myself, reviewed many of these so called ‘films’ and can say with certainty that they, though arousing in their own crude manner, are in dire need of Disney’s magical touch. Like the Expanded Universe, we will cast these fraudulent imitators out and replace them with a canonized sex epic the whole family can enjoy. It’s time for Micky Mouse to take off his gloves and get down with the times!”
The statement did not sit well with current Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy, rumored to retire after the Obi-wan series, who showed her disgust tactfully through a forced smile. Meanwhile, Collin Trevorrow expressed his joy over the news of his directorial involvement by high-fiving “bro” J.J. Abrams.
Trevorrow, credited screenwriter and original director for The Rise of Skywalker before he was replaced by Abrams, shared that one of the reasons for bringing Emperor Palpatine back from the dead in the last Skywalker installment was to “plant the seed” for future “erotic” possibilities in the saga that also hearkened back to the sensuous plots of previous trilogies between Luke and Leia, Leia and Han, and Anakin and Padme. [Warning: Star Wars IX Spoiler] Trevorrow: “It was all supposed to come full circle. The circle of life. Sex. J.J. and I had discussed the perverted implications of Rey’s familial connection to Palpatine and what this may mean for future installments. It started as a joke I made on set, ‘dude, what if we made Rey the granddaughter of Palpatine to screw with everyone? Just imagine what the fans would think of the Emperor’s wrinkly grey body fucking some rando!’ Poor foresight on that one, unfortunately, as it cost me the role of director after Kathleen caught wind of it. She went directly to Bob in corporate calling the idea ‘sexist’ and ‘piggish,’ but apparently Bob loved it! He called me up right away and said ‘We got J.J. to direct, but you’re still the brains behind the script. I made sure Kathy is on board.’
[Fan theories surrounding Palpatine’s sex life]
It was, apparently, Iger’s mission all along to immortalize Palpatine’s legacy in such dramatic fashion. The Emperor is, after all, his favorite Star Wars character who “most resembles my own lust for power!” He immediately chose Trevorrow to helm the proposed porn project, which is set to explore the wild sexcapades of the once senate leader in his 70-year-old post-Revenge of the Sith prime. The plot of “Palpatine Rises” has currently not been made public, but sources have stated it will highlight the passionate, force-destined conception of Rey’s parents and is set to star Ian McDiarmid as Palpatine and Sandi Finlay as The Emperor’s right hand/lover Sly Moore.
–TTT
The Thirsty Thespian 