Macomb, IL–Listed for the low price of $5,000, new Macomb, IL resident, Dave Jonze (known by Thirsty Thespian readers as none other than “Crazy Dave”), provides “Escaping Ideology Lessons,” contextualized in his social media post seen below.

But in fact, unfortunate to some interested buyers and pupils alike, Jonze’s instruction was offered for a limited time only indeed, as in fact, celebrity and so-called academic and poet, James Franco, immediately wired Jonze $1.5 million to secure his undivided mentoring. Franco, down on his luck after a poorly-received chapbook, enlists Jonze’s support, though it won’t be the first time Franco has studied under Jonze, having cited Jonze as his sole teacher in escaping ideology prior. Franco explained his reunion with Jonze to Thirsty Thespian reporters: “You know, it really hurt when people said such harsh and obviously untrue things about my poems. I know they’re just jealous! And even worse, many professors have recently been sending me angry emails accusing my academic career of being fraudulent. That hurts. I try really, really hard! Believe me, dammit!” Franco went on to describe Jonze’s continued teachings as “necessary” to find his authentic voice in writing as well as a place of authenticity from which to draw his acting performances–both he hopes will prevent further criticism about his superficiality and fraudulence. “Losing the Oscar for my performance in 127 [it should be noted that Mr. Franco has begun referring to his performance as mountaineer and adventurer Aron Ralston in 127 Hours as “127”] got me thinking: The critics didn’t believe that I really cut my arm off, because I knew I wasn’t really going to cut my arm off–I wasn’t truly invested in the role. So as I prepare to bring my previous Academy Award-nominated performance to new heights, an Oscar hopefully ensuing, I need Crazy Dave to free my mind of its inherent ideologies, and keep it free, as well as free it from the ideological fear preventing me from cutting my arm off.” He reportedly went on to nonsensically shout: “Never! Never! Never! That there a notion!”

At press time, Franco was seen sharpening a dull, rusty hatchet, in preparation of severing his once poetry-“sculpting” limb.

-TTT.