Greetings, interwebs. This here Crazy Dave! Since my last column, for which, I’ll have you know, I have received many raving reviews (some ideological, some ideologicaler, and some, I dare say, ideologicalist), detailing its helpful insights, I, this here Crazy, took a page out of my own book and used the tips therein, when interviewing for my last job (which I was offered on the spot, before I was canned for punching out my boss and the head accountant, for a matter relating to health insurance, an ideology to which I do not subscribe).
Anyway, besides being canned from many jobs for creative (and other) differences, I’ve also left many jobs on my own terms, and on good terms with management, hence this next installment of this here Crazy Dave’s Crazy Column.
How to Tactfully Resign from Your Job Whilst Escaping Ideology, Dammit!
Okay, we all know that at a given point, we’ll want to leave our job, whether it be for a better job, or simply because that job is cramping your style. Here are some solid tips for how to leave your job tactfully, while still evading the ideological notions that imprison the rest of your coworkers–the very notions I’ll teach you to escape through tactful resignation.
1. First, Figure Out If You Really Want/Need to Quit. If Yes, Don’t Waste Any Time.
This might be obvious yet warrants explanation: Once you decide that it’s time to quit your job, wasting any more of yours, and your employer’s time, is not ideal for either party. When you know that you want to jump ship, you might find yourself becoming more dissatisfied with work, devoting less of your time to your job–and that’s just not very professional, is it?
2. Tactfully Start Your Job Search
As with my first point, you don’t want to waste any of yours, or your employer’s time, sitting idle at your desk, or worse, watching Netflix (or worse, porn!–we’ve all thought about it, come on). So to tactfully start your job search, out of respect for your employer, don’t waste hours of your time aimlessly clicking through YouTube videos. Instead, get a jump start on your job search! During work hours, peruse Linkedin, Indeed, Monster, all the heavy hitters. Jump on Facebook and start asking your friends if they can put some feelers out for you. Ask your boss for some pointers. Here’s a role-playing example:
“Hey, boss man, I’m looking for a new job. Where do you recommend I apply?”
“Are you seriously asking your boss where to apply while you’re still employed by his company?”
“Never! Escape!” Then, punch him out! He won’t remember a thing. And maybe, whilst he’s KO’d, search his work computer for any traces of employment prospects. It’s for your ideological future, dammit!
3. Provide Ample Time for Your Supervisors to Train Your Replacement
Question: When’s a good time to quit? Never! And I’m not trying to be facetious or ironical. Your coworkers (your so-called friends) as well as management would have you believe that you should just stay put, so as not to inconvenience them.
So what are you to do? Quit. Escape! And how are you to respond if they come at you with cruel accusations about your sanity as it relates to your leaving? As I always say, “Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.” But in all seriousness: Let’s be courteous–after all, it’s your supervisors who gave you a shot in the first place. So how much notice is enough notice to be courteous? As a general rule of thumb, when you’re leaving your job, you should give your supervisors at least a 5-minute heads up. I recommend sending your official resignation letter, which you can compose on your work computer, prior to telling your supervisors in person that you’re giving them the ideological boot. It’s the least you can do!
4. Leave On Good Terms
So your boss just received your official “effective immediately” resignation letter and is trying to make sense of it as you walk into his office, boldly stating: “I quit.” He might have elicited your sympathy with an ideological notion like, “I wish you would have given us more time.” But you and he both know that this isn’t personal. You’re buddies! You’ll probably see him at the next Megadeath concert. Put simply, this is just a man doing what a man has to do, or a woman doing what a woman has to do. So now that everything has been said, how do you leave in such a way that pays tribute to all of the good times you had at your job, while demonstrating your appreciation? It’s this simple: GIVE THOSE BASTARDS THE BEST GODDAMN SHOW THEY’VE EVER SEEN! Your boss’s door is likely shut during your private talk–I recommend kicking that door open while wildly yelling “I ESCAPED! THIS HERE AN IDEOLOGICAL TRIBUTE OF LOVE, DAMMIT!” Then, quickly remove all of your clothing before hightailing it through the office toward the exit, exclaiming “NEVER! NEVER! ESCAPE!” For good measure, you might consider punching a coworker or two out on your way toward your final triumphant exit. This display is likely to elicit laughter and good cheer, and it is also likely to boost the overall company morale [and in no way will it draw further speculation into matters regarding your current state of sanity (or insanity)].
5. Leave an Positive Review on Glassdoor as a Gesture of Good Faith
So you left on good terms. What’s next? Leaving a heartfelt review on Glassdoor can demonstrate your value and commitment to upholding your continued (positive) relationship with your former employer. I additionally recommend signing your name to the letter so everyone at the company can observe and appreciate your clearly demonstrated value. Here’s an example letter I wrote for my last job.
This here Crazy Dave!
Those there ideologicalizors! I escaped! But they’re so precious to me! Never! Too ideological! They didn’t give me health insurance!–that was precious to this here Crazy Dave! They did try to escape ideology, but their notions of space time continuum were too restrained within the walls of their own ideology! They paid me in cats, which I then consumed wholly. They were unseasoned cats and the fur tasted of black tar and holy water. Do I recommend working at this here establishment? Never! Escape!
Oh ya, by the way–This here Crazy Dave!
See? Truthful but tactful, and, if I do say so myself, quite poignant! 🙂
6. Follow-Up With Them; It Shows You Care
I always recommend starting a follow-up correspondence with your former employer to further demonstrate your value, while nurturing the ongoing relationship you have with them. Send a box, preferably hand-wrapped (for a personal touch), with anything you have lying around the house–toilet paper (used would be better, shows you care, adds a personal touch). In the box, send a dead cat. Works every time. Accompanying the dead cat, always leave a heartfelt message, like so:
Dear ideologicalizors, former employer and such, to whomever it may concern and so on and so forth into the abyss of never-ending sadness:
You’re so precious to me! This here a dead cat, mine own precious mother, Edwina Divina–it was hers, then she left this here Earth, forsaking this here Crazy Dave in the Wall Mart parking lot for the damned dozenth or so time. She and Slavoj Žižek, this here Crazy Dave’s ideological father, left without warning, and bore this here child, left behind, a precious carcass of our former love! I leave it to you as a token of my gratitude for the precious months of employment you bestowed unto me, before you canned me for punching out the accountant. Those there were ideological tax forms, I tell you!
Signed, respectfully, lovingly, passionately, and ideologically (never!)
This here Crazy Dave!
Anyway, that’s them! All you need to know about tactfully resigning from your post! I hope you enjoyed–you’re all so precious to me!
This here Crazy Dave!
CRAZY DAVE IS THE KIND OF MAN WHO NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION. HE IS CLINICALLY INSANE, AND THE FOX SHOW PRISON BREAK WAS BASED OFF HIS OWN EXPERIENCES BREAKING OUT OF A PENITENTIARY, OR WHAT HE REFERS TO AS HIS “ESCAPE FROM IDEOLOGY!” HIS OFTENTIMES CONTRADICTORY BELIEFS ALWAYS PROVIDE UNPARALLELED HUMAN AUTHENTICITY, AN INTERESTING STUDY.
You can follow “Crazy” on Twitter, where you can enjoy his “poignant” tweets.