A man from Washington State was violently beaten this Sunday when he mistook a bearded individual he encountered while hiking to be the recent Oscar-winning actor Leonardo DiCaprio. The victim, James Kuolski, a literal die-hard Leo fan reportedly left his home in search of DiCaprio after learning of the actor’s decision to abandon it all for the woods and his love, his recent bride Bear DiCaprio.
Kuolski’s wife, near tears, commented that “Jimmy had mentioned going out in search of his life-long hero… who was I to stop him?” She further mentioned, after much weeping, that “I won’t make that mistake again.”
According to Mrs. Kuolski, her husband left early Saturday morning for a three day hike through the northern-most area of Lake Wenatchee State Park, where DiCaprio was last observed stroking his love’s furry shoulders beneath a grove of pine trees. On his second day out, Kuolski saw a man that resembled DiCaprio in his recent role in The Revenant and approached him, apparently waving his arms enthusiastically, giggling, and shouting: “Leo! Leo! Leo!” Upon approaching the man, however, pen and Leo poster in-hand, Kuolski discovered the harsh reality of his predicament as he was struck repeatedly by the figure who was clearly not the movie star.
“At first… I thought… Leo had gone… feral,” Kuolski said between gasps early this morning upon waking from his temporary coma. Further questioning on the matter was impossible, as soon after waking Kuolski fell once more into a troubling unconsciousness.
Details of the police report remain closed; however, local sources have reported rumors that the suspected assailant is in fact famed Discovery Channel sword aficionado “Irish Mike,” who was apparently wanted for questioning regarding a local aggravated assault with a deadly weapon early last week. Discovery has yet to offer a statement on Mike’s possible involvement in either incident.