Written by Doc Sanders, Staff Writer.
Vermont–Bernie Sanders, following a crushing defeat in New York to Hillary Clinton, announced at a campaign stop this morning that he plans to join Chicago-based alternative rock/folk band Wilco on tour. “Some U.S. dates will be announced shortly,” confirmed Sanders’s campaign director Jeff Weaver. “These will follow the appropriate campaign stops in battleground states and Bernie’s hoping that his wicked guitar licks will reinvigorate the ‘feel the Bern’ spirit!”
Sanders, who also recently announced the “Chance to Win a New Grandpa: Bernie Will Be Your New Hip Grandpa” campaign promotion, has decided that “now might be a good time to announce to the American people that I can totally shred. Anything will help in the fight to beat Hillary Clinton, and then Donald Trump, and my seriously righteous guitar skills are just one awesome thing about me that should interest Americans in our cause.”
According to Sanders, President Obama introduced him to Wilco at a special dinner at the White House. Obama, who met Wilco when they played in 2005 at a Farm Aid concert in Tinley Park, Illinois, introduced the group as a “homegrown band” and has since remained good friends with the band. It was Obama, too, who suggested Bernie fill in for legendary Wilco lead guitarist Nels Cline, who had broken his hand in a fight at a Bernie rally when a protester, a Trump supporter, attempted to attack a pregnant woman and her two small children. “Bernie shreds,” Obama told Wilco lead singer Jeff Tweedy. “Take my word for it. I’ve personally jammed with him. He’d be a perfect temporary replacement for Nels, and if the tour could be shaped around his campaign, he’s bound to kick some serious political ass.” Obama, a multi-instrumentalist himself, became popular on the campuses of Occidental College, Columbia University, and Harvard University Law School–while a student at each college–for his undeniable chops on the bass.
Jeff Tweedy, who only recently released hostages Dave Grohl and Brittany Howard’s Grammy Award trophy after a Grammy Awards kerfuffle, agreed that, at least temporarily, adding Sanders to the lineup would seriously help the band’s image. “Bernie has some really good ideas that can unify the country,” said Tweedy, adding, “and which could really lend themselves to the band’s musical philosophy.”
Sanders, who is currently running opposite Hillary Clinton for the democratic nomination to become president, and who identifies as a democratic socialist, confirmed that, while some new tour dates in U.S. battleground states supportive of his campaign will be added to the band’s tour, the band will proceed with their regular tour dates, many of them in Norway. “Listen, I’ve long said that countries like Norway have excellent policies and that their citizens are much happier because of them,” said Sanders. “With this tour to Norway, U.S. citizens will take note.”
While Sanders will spend much of the coming months in Norway, he has assured his supporters that his newly chosen running mate, Matthew Silver, will be in charge of much of the groundwork, “spreading love.” Sanders clarified: “Look, I’m a hippy at heart, and I’m here to spread free love, flower power!” He added: “Matthew is perfectly capable of spreading our ‘love each other‘ cause.”
Jeff Tweedy, who admitted his “utmost stokedness” for Bernie joining the band, confirmed that, while he will be voting for Sanders, he’d welcome Bernie “with open arms, win or lose.” Tweedy remarked: “If Bernie doesn’t win, he’s welcome to join Wilco full-time. Can you imagine how badass that would be? Nels and Bernie’s dueling guitars? Can you say Sanders-Cline 2020?” Preparing for their upcoming tour featuring Bernie Sanders on lead guitar, Wilco is also excited to announce that current president Barack Obama will join the tour on bass. Obama, who has “grown tired” of the duties of the president and is “excited to slap some serious bass for Wilco.”
Meanwhile, likely jealous of her opponent’s wide appeal with youths and rock n’ roll presence in American politics, Hillary Clinton reportedly has beleaguered her husband, former president Bill Clinton, a known saxophone god, to dust off his bari-sax to precede Hillary’s upcoming stump speeches. Likely, the former Secretary of State is trying to be hip, instructing Bill to wear a pair of black Ray Bans even at night, when there is no use for them.
Doc Sanders, a former university physics professor who quit to pursue “more pressing matters” is equipped, with a 1.21 gigawatt-powered flux capacitor, to go back in time in order to stop Donald Trump from being born. A distant relative of Bernie Sanders, current candidate running for the democratic nomination for president, Doc has enlisted the support of Matthew Silver, Bernie Sanders’s recently announced running mate, to ensure he accomplishes his ends.