Leonardo DiCaprio to quit acting, move to woods with bear, have child

 

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A scientific rendering of what “bear” and Leonardo DiCaprio’s child would look like.

Written by Bear, Guest Writer.

Hollywood–Famed movie actor and longtime Academy Award pursuant Leonardo DiCaprio celebrates his much anticipated Academy Award win, for his guttural performance of fur trapper Hugh Glass in The Revenant (2015), by announcing his retirement from acting. “I’ve given a lot of myself to the field over the years,” the 41-year old actor told reporters Thursday. “It’s time that I dedicate myself to my partner, to raising a family.” He added: “I care a great deal about the environment,” pausing in anticipation before adding, “in which my child will be raised.”

The partner to whom DiCaprio refers is perhaps shocking to some while amusing to others: a 9.8 foot tall grizzly bear he met while shooting The Revenant.

DiCaprio, whose sexuality has long been speculated by members of the media–with many of his former girlfriends complaining that DiCaprio never went “all the way”–admitted that he was in fact born “Lisa DiCaprio.” DiCaprio, now with child, was apparently impregnated by his Revenant costar.  DiCaprio admitted in a shocking reveal that the believed-t0-be CGI (and much gossiped about) bear attackof which he previously denied vehemently and called “absurd”was indeed a planned pregnancy by depraved realist director Alejandro González Iñárritu. However, DiCaprio defends Iñárritu “vision,” claiming that his relationship with bear was “love at first sight,” and that settling down in the woods, away from the Hollywood limelight, “of course after I won an Oscar,” was a long desired dream of his.

Iñárritu corroborated DiCaprio’s story, discussing the project at some length: “I wanted to capture the rough and at times terrifyingly beautiful nature of DiCaprio’s relationship. Bear is an innately violent creature, but Leo knows this, and accepting this, there was potential for profound beauty.”

Johnny Depp, who reportedly abused DiCaprio during the making of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (1993), told reporters he was “not surprised” on finding out about DiCaprio’s true identity and maternal intentions. Apparently attracted to DiCaprio during the shoot, having long repressed those feelings, Depp recalled, “He was devilishly handsome for a lad.” He added: “I think I always knew his secret,” noting DiCaprio’s “luscious hair” as a tip-off. Depp, inebriated, admitting to living in a “perpetual state of inebriation,” winked at the camera on completing his sentence. 

-B.


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In addition to famously moving to woods with partner Leonardo DiCaprio, Bear has made countless appearances on television and in film–too many to list here. Bear is also misunderstood, taking to writing a heart-wrenching autobiographical work that The New York Times called, simply, “Fucking brilliant.”

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