MADISON, MILWAUKEE, OR CURRENT CITY OF RESIDENCE, WI—A local recruiter gunning to fill a new role and “get that End of Year bonus” Wednesday texted Madison-area John Smith about an “exciting opportunity” completely foreign to the man’s job experience.
 
Using a notable “People Search” database, which advertises its product to offer the most advanced software that delivers “the most accurate results,” Junior Talent Recruitment Specialist Bryce Gulliblini was “amazed at the large heaps of data that’s at our fingerprints.” Beaming with excitement, he added: “It’s kind of sexy!”
 
Searching to fill a new senior-level information technology professional role in the Milwaukee area, Bryce reportedly stumbled on the professional information of Madison-area security engineer John Smith. Despite the most current record for his employer being “’I Didn’t Consent to This’: Security, LLC,” the record didn’t ostensibly list an employee-issued work line or mobile device, Gullibilini told TTT reporters on the scene.

Undeterred by the record’s information gaps, Gullibilini, unwaveringly determined to share this “amazing opportunity” with John Smith, and “hungry to make a name for myself,” conducted a quick search for “John Smith” in the state of Wisconsin, yielding a whopping 500 pages of results.
 
Amazed by the sheer volume of results, Bryce Gullibilini said he was moved to tears, willing to volunteer this information, explaining, “it’s only natural.” Moved to earnest bewilderment, Bryce Gullibilini remarked, “I said to myself, ‘Wow, this John Smith guy has had a storied career.’ And then I thought, ‘If I bag this guy, I’m a shoo-in for a big promotion to Recruitment Specialist II and a fat, veiny, throbbing bonus!’”
 
When TTT reporters suggested to Bryce that the listings for “John Smith” may be the listings of different people, the young, career-ambitious Bryce Gullibilini was unconvinced.

“John smith is a pretty common name,” TTT Senior Reporter Jugs Bazongas suggested.

The veracity of Bazongas’s claim notwithstanding, Bryce Gullibilini, a very young man with dreams of fame, said, “Nah, they gotta be the same guy. Look here, this John Smith that’s based in Madison, says he worked at “I Didn’t Consent to This”: Security, LLC, as a Senior Security Engineer. This guy John Smith here in Milwaukee, it says he’s a Group Digital Marketing Manager for Data Is Everything, Inc.”  
 
Bazongas, face to palm, responded, “Umm yeah, what straw are you precisely trying to grasp at here, because it sounds like you’re describing two different professionals that happen to have the same name.”
 
“How do you figure?” Bryce Gullibilini, a young, trigger-happy gun, looking dumbfounded, replied in puzzlement.
 
“John Smith in Milwaukee is in a pretty high-level marketing leadership position, hence the ‘group’ denoting he manages multiple marketing managers. John Smith in Madison, on the other hand, is a Senior-level Security Engineer, a highly technical role which is is a far cry from marketing.”
 
Noticeably erect, the infantile wielder of the unsolicited correspondence responded in an excitable fume, “Yeah, but both companies are related to data! You silly little reporter, you! Ha!”
 
Nearly speechless, Jugs Bazongas, an experienced reporter that is not an impatient man, labored to reply, “One man works for a company that’s trying to protect the security and merited privacy of people in a digitally precarious age, the other is profiting off the condition that these people, simply for existing, can have these pretty basic human rights taken away from them, simply because it’ll make the efforts of the companies advertising to them slightly more ‘personalized.’”
 
Bryce Gullibilini, a man whose awareness of human interaction and the world around him resembled that of a fetus, sat motionless while he stared at his computer, transfixed, illuminated by the light of the computer’s screen permeating the electronics it powered in the ill-lit room. After a long, quiet moment, Gullibilini finally moaned, “Mmm, yeah, now. You could actually make the argument that these 5,000 records for John Smith are the same guy,” continuing to quietly murmur, “A storied career. A storied career. A storied career, indeed,” with a Vonnegut-like cadence in his recitation and repetition.
 
Bazongas, driven to madness, left the scene, with Gullibilini finally resorting to text John Smith about the open role directly, as his phone calls and LinkedIn messages went unanswered.
 
“I don’t know how in the world you got this phone number,” Smith’s eventual reply began.

“I DID NOT consent to being contacted by you or have my number included on any poor-quality list that you pulled it from. By the way, I also didn’t receive the LinkedIn messages you referred to. But after reaching out to John Smith of Milwaukee on LinkedIn, he confirmed you have been spamming him for days. His company doesn’t issue phones, so the two of us are pretty sure that your database is mistakenly reporting my number on his record, because we’re both named John Smith, a common name, but I do speak for John Smith when I, John Smith, say that neither John Smith is interested in this role, and we will prefer it if you leave us alone and mind our privacy.”

Gullibilini, whose furious erection remain uninflated, was quick to respond, “I used People Search 360, which offers the most advanced, most up to date records in the industry. So ha! You, John Smith, cannot fool me! I WILL tell you about this amazing opportunity. What’s your week look like?”
 
After several moments, John Smith texted Gullibilini back, the young buck whose intelligence and sense of reality he questioned.

“John Smith and I have contacted the remaining 4,998 John Smiths in the database you referred to, and we were able to confirm that all 5,000 John Smiths are indeed different people and, moreover, together, we John Smiths have contacted a lawyer, who will act on the behalf of all 5,000 of us to bring a class action lawsuit against People Search 360, Inc, as well as your employer, Talent for American Companies Industries. We also have named you, Bryce Gullibilini, personally in the lawsuit for harassment, stalking, inflicted trauma, and sexual impropriety.”  

The trial moved forward, Gullibilini, even unconvinced of the 5,000 unique individuals that showed up to court wearing name tags that bore the salutation, “Hi, my name is John Smith.”

Before the judge issued his ruling, he gave Gullibilini a chance to plead his case.

The young man, even in court attire, could not conceal his erection, for which the judge nearly held in contempt of court.

He simply remarked, “See, judge, why I find John Smith such an attractive candidate for whom this opportunity is destined? Hiring 4,999 actors to play his supposed ‘John Smith’ alter egos. That’s what I call commitment that any employer would find indispensable.”

 
At press time, Bryce Gullibilini repeatedly dialed several area morgues in numerous cities within the same state, trying to reach a man by the name “John Doe” he was convinced worked there, resolute in his commitment to tell Doe about an “unbelievable opportunity” as a Funeral Director, citing Doe’s vast “morgue experience” as “highly impressive.”
 
The morgue manager, handing the phone to a police officer who was present at the scene, asked Gullibilini, “You do realize that you’re calling about an unidentified murder vic, right? You can’t seriously think this poor bastard’s name is actually John Doe. It’s a placeholder name we give to unidentified bodies or the bodies of those whose identity we intentionally need to conceal.”
 
Bryce Gullibilini responded with a laugh, “You can’t fool me, John Doe! I have a great opportunity I think you’d be perfect for. How’s your week look?” He was noticeably erect.

-TTT.