SILICON VALLEY, CA—An artificial intelligence (AI) robotics startup has reportedly received series-b financing to bring robots to complete common household chores as well as recreational, and, in some instances, even trivial human activities, such as going to the gym; binging Netflix true crime docu-series; masturbating; riding bicycles, kayaking, and base-jumping; “sitting on the toilet while doom scrolling Apple news and taking a shit;” installing drywall after punching a hole in the wall in a fit of rage brought on by existential dread; etc.

Nonstop headlines about OpenAI, their AI tools like DALL-E and Chat GPT, and Google’s competitor product Bard, have questioned the future of humanity and work as we know it. The motives of the company that has led the charge, who has been forcing this controversial technology on the American public, remains unclear. However, what is clear is the company’s unwavering commitment to rendering graphic designers, writers, marketers, the entire US education system, possibly even computer programmers, and perhaps the entire human race obsolete.

Just as OpenAI has dominated the news cycle, a startup known as RobotReplace, Inc. has entered the conversation, using the momentum of OpenAI to propose an even newer, novelty approach to artificial intelligence and robotics. 

“We’re planning on building a robot that will angrily masturbate to PornHub videos while yelling obscenities that are sure to cause your neighbors to lodge a complaint with your apartment building manager,” claims RobotReplace CEO Stan Altrightman, explaining the IP of just one of RobotReplace’s many products. “Nobody has done this or thought to have used this technology in such an innovative way.” He added, “We might even create a robot that twiddles its thumbs, one that spews the deep-seated hate and rage of an unwell being on an unsuspecting, unprovoked passerby. The possibilities for this technology are endless!” 

TTT Senior Reporter Jugs Bazongas, whose recent exposé on the unreliability of People Search software and the malicious intent of those who use it earned him a Pulitzer Prize, asked Altrightman a series of searing questions about his company’s true intentions. 

“Look, OpenAI is trying to replace humans and take away their jobs,” Altrightman claimed, making the distinction between his and other companies: “But that’s frankly fucking stupid and boring. Why not have a robot debase itself? Now that’s cool!” Altrightman was ostensibly breathing heavily, with profuse sweat along his forehead slowly falling toward his brow. His nipples, visible in his polo two sizes two small, were hardened. 

The tech CEO, who reportedly contributed to Donald Trump’s 2020 Presidential campaign and was present at the January 6^th Capitol riot, reportedly attended Hillsdale College—an epicenter for the American right—before dropping out. He was awarded an Honorary Doctorate in “Applied Performative Studies” and “Erotic Art” from Liberty University for having “showed extreme merit, admirable charity, and rapt passion” for donating a robot, The Uninhibeted Twink 2000, to the university shortly before its president Jerry Fallwell, Jr. was fired for impropriety. Falwell, Jr. claims the two incidents were unrelated. 

At press time, in a social media post, OpenAI opined, “Kids are going to cheat. Might as well make them better at cheating! We’re all doomed to be dumb—and we at OpenAI are building ChatGPT to make America the best at being dumb. It’s the American dream!” In a comment reply, Altmanright wrote, “Yes, daddy. Destroy me, king!”

-TTT.