BREAKING NEWS: Mar-a-Lago, FL—Disgraced former U.S. President Donald Trump, who faces a decades-long prison sentence for Espionage Act violations and two other federal laws, has reportedly attempted to prepare his “big, beautiful body—the perfect male specimen” to be more appetizing such that a Mar-a-Lago-area whale may swallow him whole before charges for Trump’s misdeeds are brought forth.

Sources confirmed Trump, who was an unsuccessful businessman before becoming President and abusing his power in an unprecedented manner, had begun lathering himself in butter, barbecue sauce, honey mustard, and other “delicacies” in a feeble attempt to make himself more delectable to whale species. “My daddy made himself more num num,” said Trump’s son Eric. “He’s going to escape the Radical left’s attempts to imprison him, so he can get back to important business, like proving that Hunter Biden’s laptop is full of tentacle porn.”

Trump, who had reportedly gotten the idea of feeding himself to a whale in an erotic dream that came to him one fateful night, had this to say about his prison evasion plan:

“I want to be like Jonah. My favorite Bible story! And I read the whole Bible. I’m the best reader who ever lived and I know more about the Bible than anyone, and I have the best words to describe it! I’m going to feed myself to a whale!”

Donald Trump, a very large man who used to be the President of the United States of America

08/16/2022. 4:37PM: Cause of Death of Whale(Murder) determined by Medical Examiner: A whale has perished due to ingestion of former U.S. President, Donald Trump. Despite the former president being ostensibly inedible, the whale’s family also stated that Trump’s attempts to make himself more “mouthwatering and succulent to whale life, a big beautiful and sexy meal” proved wholly impossible, adding: “Gross!” It is believed, at this time, due to Donald Trump’s large size, that the whale that attempted to consume him was unable to successfully swallow Trump, having choked and died in the process. However, upon further examination, the medical examiner confirmed that the composition of Donald Trump’s unhealthy diet (consisting of mostly McDonald’s hamburgers) would have eventually led to the whale’s demise through heart blockages.

08/16/2022. 5:30PM: Additional charges have been brought against Trump by the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) for killing a treasured creature. Miraculously, the whale who indeed took the bait and attempted to consume Trump has died, having apparently choked to death in the process of eating Trump.

In a statement from the World Wildlife Fund, its Communications Director wrote:

“We at the WWE takes whale murder very seriously. Despite Trump having choked the whale, it has been brought to the attention of the WWE that Trump was wielding a katana, and it was expressly his plot to use that katana to cut himself free from the whale’s stomach, then to swim to Zihuatanejo to ‘pull an Andy Dufresne.’ In other words, this murder, if previously ruled accidental, make no mistake that Trump had a premeditated plot to kill an innocent whale in order to save himself. To borrow from Trump’s own vernacular: ‘Sad!’”

WWF Communications Director

-TTT.