Local man who’s feeling cute but single planning to watch hardcore porn, violently masturbate on Valentine’s Day

In honor of Valentine’s Day, office manager, Charles Whitman, looks forward to “rubbing one out” after long, strenuous work week.

QUINCY, IL–A local man and office manager, long known for being single but exceedingly ready to mingle, is planning a night to himself this Valentine’s Day. Although described by female coworkers as “very charming, handsome, and sweet, the total package,” successful executive Charles Whitman remains mysteriously single, claiming “that’s all about to change. I’m a hunk! I’m just waiting to find the right person, you know… so I can turn them out.” Initially planning just to watch the new season of Better Call Saul, which was recently added to Netflix,” Whitman’s plans have changed, having decided to “treat myself,” clarifying: “I’ve been really good this week… I deserve to be a little bad, you know?” he flirtatiously mouthed with a wink, licking his lips sensually, as he gazed intensely at male TTT reporter, Louis Gutierrez, who was visibly uncomfortable.

At press time, HR had flagged Whitman’s computer for explicit content, his search history featuring such keywords and phrases as “twink,” “black meat white milk,” and “running back scores in tightend”