CHICAGO, IL–A local man who is involuntarily self-employed, and fed up with his boss’s “bullshit rules,” reportedly left his guest bedroom-turned office space on Monday afternoon in a violent rage, after telling himself to “blow it out your ass!”

Noting that he’s always wanted to quit in a glorious display of self-assuredness, and with a complete disregard for office decorum, Chicago resident and recent food stamp-recipient Ted Marwall nonetheless conceded that his job search fears had always caused him to chicken out. He added: “Plus, now that I think of it, I’ve never actually been the one to do the quitting.” 

Underplaying his string of career failures and prophesied firings, Marwall told Thirsty Thespian reporters, this time, he had enough. Convinced that “you need me more than I need you,” Marwall insisted it was his decision to leave, not his boss’s decision to fire him, which ultimately led to the termination of his employment, of himself.

As Marwall explained:

Look, Mr. Marwall is a nice guy, I guess. But I’m way more talented than he lets on, and I shouldn’t let this company hold me back from pursuing my life-long dream of becoming a self-made billionaire, now, should I?

On second thought, no. That guy is a completely incompetent buffoon and a total asshole!

At press time, Marwell was bludgeoning himself with a bowling pin, found conveniently in his garage, and heard shouting shakily, on the verge of tears, “you don’t know what you threw away, you imbecile!” as blood pooled at his feet.

-TTT.