Phew! Close Call: Local man not zombie, just cannibal

FRENCH MARKET, CHICAGO–A crazed man provoked shock, fear, and worry in Chicago locals as he languidly attacked a nearby hobo and began feasting on the weathered, slovenly-dressed man’s organs. “Délicieux!” he was reportedly heard howling after each horrifying bite. “I thought the zombie apocalypse was surely upon us,” River West resident Chris Everly informed reporters and police on the scene. “But when I approached the young fellow, he was perfectly courteous, well-mannered, and actually quite urbane — he explained to me that he’s just a cannibal, not hurting anyone. In fact, he is a restaurateur. I mean, I thought the whole cannibal thing was a little off-putting, arguably in a moral gray area to say the least, but to each his own, I guess… I was just relieved that he wasn’t a zombie!”

Jaques le Carnival, of France, apparently fled his home country as warrants for his arrest emerged and the health department shut down his restaurant, goût de chair, when it became apparent that human flesh, human organs, human body parts (most notably, fingers, toes, noses, earlobes, and eyeballs), as well as other human byproducts were discovered to be the predominant ingredients in most of  le Carnival’s entrées.

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Area cannibal Jaques le Carnival stares blankly at his latest culinary creation, a “scrumptious pizza [he’s] garnished with a succulent severed head.”
“You Americans are so up tight,” le Carnival argued. “You see, the eyeball is quite… how do you say, err, tasteful, and full of antioxidants!” le Carnival then lunged forward in an apparent attempt to gouge our reporter’s eyeball out. He later apologized and complimented the entire Thirsty Thespian staff as being a “savory bunch.” It appeared as though he wanted to eat all of us.

When asked about his trance-like low energy, le Carnival couldn’t provide much explanation besides saying, “How do you say… er, jet lag?”

At press time, police had taken le Carnival  into custody, charging him with cannibalism and crimes against humanity.