Chicago, IL–A Chicago man and regular uninhibited club patron woke late Thursday afternoon to his cats prematurely eating him in bed, reportedly mistaking the unresponsive man in a prolonged drunken slumber for dead. After a late night of unrestrained drinking with friends, self-proclaimed “cat dad” Tim Taylor returned to his Lake Street loft and “crashed so hard, bro” before getting the opportunity to feed his two famished felines, Mags and Mixie. The starved duo had apparently last eaten at 6AM on the previous morning, prior to Taylor going for his morning run and then heading to work, for what would result in a record stretch of 1 day and 7 hours between meals.

Taylor explained: “Normally I feed them straight away when I get home; or, if I’m going to party, I have my girl feed them when she gets home from work. But since we split, it’s been tough, especially since I love clubbin’ so hard.” Clutching his severed arm, with downcast eyes and a pool of blood forming at his feet, he sighed. “Maybe my mom would’ve stopped by and fed those hungry girls.”

At press time, Taylor contemplated the new challenges he’d face having to open cans of cat food with only one hand, visibly dismayed by his newfound disability, before sharply changing tone when asking a nearby reporter: “Say, you think Smartbar is still open?”

-TTT.